I always wondered how much pain one person could really take, let alone create for one or multiple people. I am unsure the answer to that question, but there always seems to be some silver linings in-between the stormy clouds on a very, VERY, rainy day.

It seems like this year, my whole motto has been one step forward, three steps back. With set back after set back, I feel like I am unable to handle much more. One positive thing going was that my husband and I’s remodel in our downstairs apartment is finally getting worked on for the first time in five months since the original damage and demolition happened. I mean, we still don’t have carpet, or a shower, or a working sink, but we FINALLY have a working toilet downstairs!!! No more accidents or peeing outside for me anymore! Thank Jesus. Well, I guess there was a hiccup with that as well because we actually saved our old toilet from the demo but when the contractors attempted to reinstall it, it had a huge crack at the base and so it was useless to us, unless we wanted a similar insurance claim to happen and have that toilet ruin our brand new bathroom. So my husband was off work yesterday, so we took the truck to Home Depot and $300 later, voila! New toilet.

I have deep cleaned this place from floor to ceiling with how much old sh!t there was of other family members’ that was all trash, and oh my goodness the amount of cobwebs and spiders and bugs and yuck… I digress. New white paint on the walls of the whole living room, office, bathroom and part of the kitchen. No old ’80s period blood red carpet, except on the staircase, which I can live with. My fireplace is immaculate. I have matching and not broken trim all throughout my place. I have hardwood looking laminate in the bathroom that’s a pretty light woody brown color with a white vanity and new sink… but wait, there’s more. The “new” sink has a hairline crack in the bowl so now today they have to replace that or at least fix it. There is a random whole in the wall in the bathroom and I think it’s new but unsure because, well, I haven’t been able to use my own bathroom in half a year so I don’t recall the random whole being there but who knows who really did it.

I was thrilled to sleep last night because I knew I only had a few yards to go to reach the bathroom versus running upstairs and praying to the good Lord that none of Kyle’s grandparents were in that bathroom otherwise, outside I would then run if I even made it and most times, I’ll be honest, I didn’t make it because of my bladder disease issues. So instead of groaning when I’d wake up to use the restroom, I gallivanted to the potty instead lol. Sounds odd but if you need a toilet by you at your side at all times, you know this struggle all too well.

So all that is left for our remodel is fixing the sink, the hole in the wall, putting in carpet, and minor touches to the paint, trim, etc. And then of course, the shower needs to be installed. But that has to apparently be done by the plumbing company rather than the contractors; I am unsure why but that was what I was told. But of course that has to still be approved by the insurance adjuster and we have to get reimbursed for the cracked base of the original toilet because I had to postpone some important bills because I had to pay cash for that toilet expense and with only one income, money definitely doesn’t grow on trees as easily as it used to when I was also working.

I have been applying to 3-5 jobs a day and I keep getting nothing but rejection or just get ghosted altogether. I have a degree now I thought this would be much easier, but noooooooo sir or ma’am. I don’t know if I am doing something wrong or what the deal is with this new job market. I mean, jobs are hard to come by where I live because we’re on a peninsula surrounded by water on two sides and there is only so much land with businesses and people with businesses who are hiring folks with associate degrees who has to be honest, very random, but Jack of all trade but master at none vibes and job histories. I mean, I’ve worked a lot of retail, I did banking for a year, I worked as a naval submarine mechanic for almost two years, and the rest is social and behavioral services. But I’ve either worked at or interviewed at all these social services places that I possibly could work at, but without more schooling, I don’t qualify for those jobs. And I’ve been applying to jobs that would offer me less money like a $5/hr pay cut and I still don’t get interview call backs and that is both in social services and retail and office work. Oh yeah, I was a paralegal too. That’s why I started this blog was because of that dick head boss lawyer fired me for being mentally ill. But that’s a story for newcomers on another day.

But it gets worse. I got a call from my mom yesterday and usually that’s a bad start to a conversation because she doesn’t call unless she’s either bored or something serious and she knew I was dealing with remodel work at home plus I heard the solemnness in her voice, so it was serious. Her brother who lives in Oregon was in the hospital to amputate a toe, has necrosis on his back, and also a tumor in his chest. My grandfather that lives in the same area has been with him since he got in, how he got there or what led to this wasn’t told to me. But it’s weird because it’s my dad’s father who is helping him, but my uncle’s parents’, my maternal grandparents are deceased, but then again, the other closest family living around him is my mom and I who live four hours north.

My mom was freaking out and super anxious and so since I am currently not working, I said I’d go with her to Oregon so that we can help him. I guess my grandfather was saying to my mom that he would get released today since he had his toe amputated on yesterday and I am like hellllllll no. I mean, if all the other medical crap wasn’t going on, I’d say sure he could maybe go home or at least get home health care or go to rehab for the amputation. But my grandpa means well, I think he needs to butt out of things since my uncle is special needs and is very impressionable, so my uncle probably thinks he’s getting out of the hospital today so now my mom and I are left to deal with the damage control and try to support him by like cleaning his apartment so he has a good place to come home to, or taking care of him and comfort if need be. I don’t even know where I’ll be sleeping in Oregon this is such a spontaneous and emergent trip I am just packing for a few days and hope for the best.

But then! Then! This phone conversation is happening in ear shot of the contractors and they’re like who will be here tomorrow at 9am if I wasn’t going to be there. I had been there every freaking day they had to supervise because you know, you don’t let strangers in your home even if the door is always unlocked. I mean, these guys are super nice and cool but still. I don’t trust nobody. Kyle, my husband said he was working 4am-12pm today so he’d be here after work and then the shoe drops. I am supposed to meet my mom around 8:30-9am to go out of town and then Kyle’s grandma who gambles like a degenerate states that she has a thirty minute doctors appointment, has to leave at 8:30am and would be gone until 4-5pm because she gambles at pinocle 4 times a week and can’t be bothered to stay home one fucking day with her husband who is ill and take care of HER house. I don’t know about you, but if I owned a house and I was getting remodel work done, I’d be there as much as humanly possible to ensure it gets done correctly. She didn’t understand why Kyle and I were hanging out in the kitchen as much as we had been and I’m thinking to myself, it’s not because we want to; we were confined to the kitchen because of the construction and had to be there because liability on both parties’ if a resident wasn’t with the workers.

Since grandma has no consideration for us and my family emergency and the fact that Kyle has to work, she delegated grandpa to let in the workers. The problem with that is grandpa is virtually deaf and you have to yell at him for him to hear you. And then he’ll ask if you know German and try to speak with you in German no matter who or what you are. Grandpa has a lot of health issues and him going down the stairs to greet the workers and he can’t hear so he would never know when they got here. Oy vey. I know this as fact because, well, I live here. I get grandma has to go to the doctor, sure, fine. However she could have communicated that with Kyle and I so that we could get someone to be here for the day. So now I got to write a note for the door in case no one answers the door when they come by. Because I can’t wait for them to get here because I got to get on the road with my mom. I can’t be worried about this shit here because people can’t plan worth shit.

I think if I wasn’t dealing with a crisis, I wouldn’t let this get to me but because family crisis is happening, I get irritated because that home renovation is the last thing I should have to worry about. Kyle told me before he went to work this morning to not worry but I can’t help it. I’m gonna be pissed if the workers end up leaving if no one is here or can get the door but I really don’t have the energy to deal with it. My focus is on my mom since this is her only living relative besides her immediate family.

When will it end? Who knows…

With love,

Dani