How do I always seem to quit something, even when I just started it?

I have always been a quitter, and not in a good way. The only thing that I have quit that has been good for me is my addiction vices such as alcohol. I have been quit of that for almost two years. It has overall changed and most likely saved my life. However, I do enjoy things for short term goals or for gain rather than sticking things out; I always seem to believe that the grass is always greener on the other side.

But maybe it is?

And with that gambler’s attitude, my friend, is what gets me into trouble.

I was contemplating ending this website, The Precarious Aquarius. I just haven’t been able to commit more time to making it what I want it to be, so I thought of pulling the plug altogether now that my yearly subscription renewal for the website domain and operator is almost up. With thousands of views on the site and nearly 500 subscribers / followers, I never thought my writing would be good enough. I know, logically and by what I have been told all of my life that my writing is alright. Lots of run on sentences and I can’t summarize worth sh!t, but I shouldn’t have to. It’s my website, dammit I’ll do what I want.

The only real reason for dissolving Precarious Aquarius is the financial cost of having the website. I pay a decent amount to renew the site once a year and since my husband was in the ICU for three days and in the hospital a total of six days with two emergency surgeries… money is superrrrrr tight since he cannot return to work unless he is 100% better, can lift and carry hundreds of pounds of produce, be on his feet 10 hours a day, etc. He works as the fresh cut lead at a unionized grocery store, meaning he cuts up and bowls all the fruits and veggies that are ready to eat. So until he goes back to work, we are relying on my income alone until he can collect Washington State Paid Medical Leave in a couple more weeks.

The bad thing is I missed 2.5 weeks of work to help Kyle recover and take him to doctor’s appointments. I went back to work yesterday after my leave of absence ended and will not get paid again until June 1. Luckily all of our bills and expenses are paid through May, but we had to defer our truck payment; we made May’s truck payment and deferred June’s so we do not have that vehicle payment due til the middle of July so that is $625 in our pockets, saved for the multitude of upcoming expenses,

Two days after we got home from the hospital, our house’s septic tank overfilled and sludge started pouring out of the shower drain and the toilet clogged and sewage flooded our bathroom, my husband’s grandfather’s office, and part of our living room. (We live in the daylight basement of his grandparents’ house, so some of their stuff is in “our” space, but they leave us alone for the most part.) Fortunately the tank got pumped the next morning and apparently hasn’t been pumped in 40?!!!!???!?!?!?!??!! years and it was a miracle the damage wasn’t worse.

Apparently septic tanks need pumped every 5-10 years. Not 40. Wow. So when they ripped out the carpet in the office and living room, they tested the areas for asbestos and of course had to find some in the bathroom so now my toilet is in my kitchen and they got rid of all of the asbestos and the tile floors and gutted the bathroom and took the sheet rock down to the very wooden frames and foundation of the house. So Kyle and I have been living out of a hotel and cannot go back home because we have no bathroom at all and although grandma’s bathroom works upstairs, Kyle cannot climb stairs after his surgeries and I am not leaving my husband alone so hotel it is.

We are supposed to upgrade to an AIrBNB because we don’t know how long we will be out of the house and really do need a washer and dryer as well as a kitchen. This eating out every night has destroyed whatever savings we did have and Kyle is so limited in what he can eat now so it’s extra expensive to feed him and get him full.

Not to mention that in all of this trauma, I had to quit therapy (again) because of cost and I just don’t have the emotional energy at this moment to make the necessary changes to improve in my heart and in my life. My therapist encouraged me to complete the 12 steps that I never finished in AA; I was stuck on step 4: “Make a fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.” I was told by my sponsor how to do this, but I still am overcomplacating things and have been stuck. I haven’t quit AA, but I surely quit the 12 steps once it stopped making sense to me.

I like the idea of listening to a therapist but I have this strong urge for defiance to go against what she or he says because of my desire to self sabotage. I don’t know if it is the devil on my shoulder or what, but I have a need to self sabotage myself due to low self esteem. I feel as though I am not worthy because of my mental illness, schizoaffective, which is a form of bipolar disorder with psychotic features seen in schizophrenia such as delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations. Because I feel unworthy of love and acceptance and I feel as though I hate myself.

Obviously these feelings might get resolved in therapy once I learn to love myself for me. However, sh!t is expensive and if I can’t even afford to eat right now, how could I afford a luxury such as therapy? I mean, blogging is my next best saving grace. It keeps me off the ledge. But again, expensive.

I just don’t know anymore. Am I making any sense?

Kyle had to go back to the ER this afternoon because he had blood in his stool and his surgeon told him to go get seen at the ER since he just had this major GI surgery, He had a CT scan done and lots of bloodwork and he turned out okay; was sent home with stronger pain meds and off we went. SO much for being back to work. I have only worked ten hours this week and we are only halfway through. So much for that paycheck June 1… It’ll be small as well and just maybe will it cover all of the bills, not even including medical bills.

Now we are finally back in the hotel room and it is 8:17pm as I am writing. I am too groggy to keep going. Today was an emotional roller coaster and I am ready to be over with it.

I’m gonna crash.

Later, gators.

Dani