(And this is how I feel about it).

Hey, y’all. I’m back at it again with all your Precarious Aquarius dirty details about me, my life, and all things mental health.

For those of you just joining our adventure, my name is Dani! I am a 27 year old female, who happens to be an Aquarian with no interest in astrological signs. Why create a website with the title? It was catchy, let’s be honest.

Just a reminder to all, I have schizoaffective disorder which is a gruesome combination of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia or sometimes known as bipolar disorder with psychosis or psychotic features. I was diagnosed with this mental illness about a year ago at age 26. zi experienced a known psychotic break for the first time and started having visually distorted vision; my eyesight was like a carnival funhouse that was creepy and terrifying. Like normal images will come out of me and move and I often feel like I have vertigo without any neurological conditions indicating that I am actually experiencing vertigo.

Prior to this diagnosis, from 18-26, I was known as having bipolar two disorder, a “lesser” form of bipolar without the psychosis, well. initially. I had/have very prominent delusions about people, places, things, and ideas that made it impossible to take medication regularly because I trusted no one and I didn’t get on a consistent med regimen until September 2020 when enough was enough.

Five years later being on basically the same medication I can hold a job, I am nearly two years sober of alcoholic substances, I have advanced in my career, I found my person and got married a little over six months ago, life is good. Or it was.

In February, doctors told my husband that his mastocytosis may be back which for him, turned into a rare type of blood cancer back six years ago. He beat it and was illness free and seizure free (two separate things his epilepsy and mastocystois but both can be triggered by excess stress) for three years and now we are being sent from doctor to doctor not knowing how to treat him.

This illness Kyle has presents as a rash almost like hives all over his hands and body, his hands are so swollen and disfigured from inflammation and the rash that it causes immense burning, stinging, and physical internal pain. With mastocytosis, he can be allergic to literally anything, even water because his body creates a histamine response to fight his own body from attacking itself (which makes this autoimmune).

We have seen oncology/hematology, allergists, regular PCPs, and urgent care doctors galore. We see an allergist in person this Friday that I have to take him to since it’s almost two hours away and he’s worried about seizing while driving due to stress and working a long day. We were supposed to be sent to the UW medicine oncologist however, his insurance doesn’t want to pay for any of it because they already wrote us a letter that with his rare illness that our expenses would be covered in house and out of house and I see why Group Health was nicknamed “Group Death” because at the rate we’re going, this illness will kill off my husband before anything good can even come out of this.

In retrospect, this illness has brought our marital covenant together more and our faith toward Christ has increased because, well. it’s had to in order to succeed.

I hit my mental breaking point and decided to go back to therapy. The only reason I considered it was because the website BetterHelp was trying to sponsor me a while back and the blog, that fell through but it kept me up at night.

I did the survey feeling an assortment of feelings while completing what I looked for in a new therapist…

…The last therapist I had was consistently high on pills or substances and used to do shady stuff and sided with my then, toxic boyfriend despite it was me footing the therapy bill, not him… She should have sided with me!!! However, the worst thing that she said/did to me was when I was se*ually *ssaulted (with AI, I have no idea what gets distorted or censored anymore…hence the asterisk) that it wasn’t worth my time going to the hospital or reporting the crime because and I quote, “No one would believe you.”

Mic drop

She said that?

To a little, 20 year old girl…

And that’s why I haven’t been to therapy since that day about seven years ago. It was very NOT trauma-informed care of her, clearly. She was a joke.

So on BetterHelp, I matched with a male psychologist in my state and this is literally not me being sponsored I’m saying this sh*t saved my life. I have been in a rut for a while with my husband’s health stuff and my therapist just now quite literally messaged me following up on me; how sweet! I try to respect his time since he does the online therapy as a side gig, but to know that not all therapists are the same just like not all Christians are the same; we all have vast experiences and can learn from one another but in a professional sense that wack job was well, just that; a wack job.

I have been to four sessions and it’s been nice venting my frustrations and gave me some hope for the future.

https://www.betterhelp.com/rpc/c759b10c83fb7a82-5-01?utm_term=ref_v2_dd

This link gives you two weeks free to try Better Help for you and me, so if you want to try it and find your hope again, use that link or go to http://www.betterhelp.com

Thanks for reading

Dani