February was one for the books considering the fact that we not only had Precarious Aquarius’ 5th birthday on February 10th (yay blog success), but I also had my 27th birthday on the 6th, along with my 18 month sobriety birthday on the 17th. I also began my new job on February 3rd for crisis and recovery navigation with the same agency I have been working with, which in hindsight, is going great.

Most of the month, I have been dealing with my own mental health crisis which is why I haven’t blogged in nearly a month. I was struggling really hard with my schizoaffective disorder because my sleep is terrible. In week 2 of February, I went to see my PCP and she can’t adjust my medication because I am on the max dose for my antidepressant and my antipsychotic. I could technically go up on my lithium since I only take 600mg a day and I can take up to 1200mg. But I am finally not a complete zombie since I reduced that medication down from 900 to 600mg. I don’t remember if I disclosed this news to y’all, but I cannot have my Inspire implant surgery for my sleep apnea because I am too overweight. I have to lose 30lbs in order to do the surgery and so my doctor decided to put me on generic Ozempic the weight loss injection once weekly to assist with the weight loss.

I am now on week 3 of that new medication and I just have no appetite. At all. I maybe eat 1/4 of one meal a day with 1 snack if I’m lucky which I know is terrible because I am essentially starving myself but in good news, I have lost 10 pounds which is stupid because it’s not the healthy or sustainable way. I was told to eat 30g of protein with each meal I consume and I just can’t. I can’t even work out or go for walks because I am simply not consuming enough to sustain me to even go on a walk at the gym. I am debating getting off the meds because insurance doesn’t cover it and it’s $275 for 4 injections total, a month’s supply. My mom was nice enough to pay my first month so I could get my surgery faster, but at this rate and with how much my nausea and GERD have been since I started this medication, I might just pull the plug. But by golly I am going to finish this month since we paid for it.

Also something worth mentioning, I filed an appeal with the insurance company who is not authorizing my surgery due to my weight and BMI being too high because my lack of sleep and my psych meds are the reason I cannot sustainably lose the weight and obviously this new injection isn’t helping me be healthier. If I had restful sleep, I wouldn’t need like half the medication I am currently on or at the very least, would be able to reduce the amounts of the medication I must take.

This rejection for surgery made me even more depressed and then the worst news came in the last week of the month…

On Sunday, February 23rd, Kyle broke out into hives on his hands, face, neck, and different parts of his body. I thought it was an allergic reaction to something at work. The next day at work, he calls me after his shift got over at noon and he says the pain in his hands is unbearable and he can’t make a fist and could barely do his job (He is the Fresh cut lead at local unionized grocery store, so he cuts fruits and vegetables and make items for people to eat and enjoy immediately.) He said he was going to Kaiser urgent care and thought his mastocytosis was flaring again. Knowing that this could turn cancerous for him once again, I left work immediately to be with him.

We were escorted fairly quickly to a room after he gave seven viles of blood. He was told to see his primary care doctor (whom he hates) so we got another person to see him a couple days later. He was put on oxycodone for pain management, a steroid for inflammation and swelling in his hands, and a cream for the rash/hives. HIs symptoms progressed throughout the week and got initially better and then took a turn. He started passing blood clots in his stool and the rash and swelling and pain has gotten worse day by day. He went back to work Friday the 28th and has worked all weekend and initially agreed to telling management that he would step down from his manager position and go down to part time to keep employment and then keep insurance. However, today he worked his whole shift with thirty minutes of overtime.

Normally that would be nothing for my husband, to work overtime and such a small amount. But we got his blood work back and his white blood cell count is extremely low and we now know that he is being seen by oncology and hematology tomorrow, Monday the 3rd. He’s been wearing a mask at work but he today told me that he had to go straight to bed to lay down because he is exhausted, not sleeping well at night due to the steroid being tapered, not to mention his whole body is in pain.

On Thursday, we had Kyle’s pastor come over to pray with us. I don’t even know how to compartmentalize this past week I am soooo overwhelmed. We do not know if this has turned cancerous but I feel myself grieving. We haven’t even been married five months yet and we thought cancer was in the rearview window behind us for him. We thought we were getting our shit together but now it’s gone. Medical bills, doctors visits, trying to keep both of our jobs, trying to support him, it breaks my heart.

I do feel close with God and I am drawing closer to Him. I am happy in a way I don’t have time to focus on myself and my now menial problems because there is so many more things that are at stake right now with Kyle’s health. He feels confident that he is going to come out the other side and be better for his round with adversity. I just don’t feel that way. Granted, I never saw him sick before because I didn’t know him the last time he had cancer, but I do know that I don’t want him to die. I love him more than life itself. I would do anything to take his pain from him.

I just don’t know. I am writing this all while he naps. I don’t feel like I have a second to myself to breathe or think or cope or do anything besides being with him and being present in our relationship. I think I am morning the person I’ve known; he’s always been very self sufficient and independent and to think he will soon or is already relying on me for a lot more things… I just want to give him everything and this is something I simply cannot fix.

Thanks for listening and please pray for Kyle and I along with our families.

Much love,

Dani