For those who have read my last post, you will know that I started my new position / advancement as a Crisis Navigator / Recovery Outreach person. To say the least, this half of the week has been very eventful and involved an urgent care visit on day 1.

But y’all know that I am all about the Too Long; Don’t Read version around here and by that I mean the exact opposite; Long a** story but worth the long read. So here we go.

Monday was my first day at the same agency I had been working for since May of last year. I was in an office. Wait, it snowed this morning and if you don’t already know, I live in the US state of Washington; notorious for rain year around except usually one week in February where we get this atrocious snow all week, like nearly a foot of snow over the course of the week and then the weather turns into fake spring. But this random February snow week always happens in February spanning over the course of my actual birthday and a few days either before or after. My birthday is February 6th, so it’s officially Aquarius seasoooonnnnnnn! But I digress.

It snowed a tiny bit on Groundhogs Day, but I received an email from my new boss that we will be on a two hour delay so instead of going in at 9am, we went in at 11am. I get there at 11am, and it starts off well, I do my training and learn more about what I will be doing (I will normally be at a different location than where I am training, but still the same agency.) So basically, I do admin work usually from 9am-2pm and from 2-5pm, I will work in the drop in center; a place where youth 13-25 who are houseless, struggle with mental health of substance use, or are generally considered “at risk” youth can come and take a shower, get clothing and/or toiletries, do laundry, get a hot meal, and hang out. This is where I would connect with the kids and see if anyone needs extra services like temporary case management, SUD assistance, and I can mitigate crisis situations.

I knew a few of the kids at the drop in center because they were residents in the shelter and had worked with them in that role. Around 3:30pm, I was talking to a 18 year old who was a shelter kid and had good rapport with him. He was giving me life updates as I sit on a low ottoman so my legs are kind of scrunched up. I felt my left thigh getting hot and then something started to smell and I had never smelt this smell before. I took my car keys out of my pocket and threw them on the ground and I’m looking at my pocket trying to figure out the smell and why my skin is burning. I stood up promptly and the kid stopped talking and asked if I was okay (he is a very empathetic and kind boy; I say boy and not man because he is so broken inside and acts more like 15 than 18), I grabbed the other object that was in my left jean front pocket, kind of rolled into the folds of the jeans and my tummy fat that hangs over just a bit (I mean, I’m not gigantic, but in the words of reporter Angie from MLB Root Sports for the Seattle Mariners, “I am not petite.” [Angie always crushes and gushes over Mariner player, Ty France and flirts with him in interviews even though he isn’t even that good of a player…. I digress.]). Anyway, I pull out a lithium ion battery, the one that I forgot I left in my pocket that is an extra to put into my vape mod. At this point, I pull out this lithium ion battery and it is SMOKING. I had picked it up with my index finger, thumb, and side of my left hand and threw the burning object on the ground. I am thinking to myself, “F***, f***, f***! I am going to burn down the mf-ing homeless shelter / center!”

I screamed hysterically and all 15 people in this 650 sq. ft. place is staring at me and I shake my hands up and down as I feel the burn in my jeans and the numbness in my hand. The boy grabbed a paper plate and said lithium batteries are toxic to breathe the fumes in and he scooped it up and took it outside. I was in shock to stay the least… I had stepped outside to watch him take the battery to the dumpster and was happily surprised that the dumpster did not catch on fire.

I went to the bathroom to check the damage and I literally had holes burned through the material of the pockets and of the jeans itself. I also had a half dollar sized hole burn in my leg near my crotch. I lost it. Right below this burn, a person I went on a Tinder date with years and years ago got me blackout drunk and burned me with a skinny cigar. I am sobbing my eyes out in this bathroom for about three minutes straight; I was trauma triggered, I thought my stupidity was going to burn down my workplace and more importantly, homeless kids’ home. I was also super embarrassed that I was so dumb in front of everyone. My coworker told me as I walked out of the bathroom after I cleaned up a bit that I looked like I was in a lot of pain and should get assessed. My boss really didn’t want me to leave but he said if I was gonna go to the doctor he supposed I could leave early. Now mind you, they were fully staffed and only had an hour to go. Then… then! As I am walking down the stairs and out to my car, he runs after me and shouts, “Don’t forget to clock out!” What a d***.

That made me cry even harder and once I got to my car, I call Kyle and I just cried without speaking for the first five minutes. Kyle kept asking what was wrong and I finally told him; I think he was relieved that I wasn’t seriously hurt but he still immediately shot out of our bed and drove all the way to my work to rescue me and take me to urgent care.

We drove around for an hour trying to find an urgent care that was accepting patients at 4pm in the afternoon. No luck. I scheduled a virtual video visit with urgent care for before work the next day so at the very least I could get a doctor’s note and I went to pay the copay, and of course! I forgot my purse in the office at work! Great… so I had to swallow my pride as Kyle drove me back to my job to get my purse.

The next day I had my appointment and they gave me antibiotic cream for the burn hole so it wouldn’t get infected. They never told me the type or degree of the burn itself, but I got the doctor’s note as well as the antibiotic so it was well worth my $40 copay.

I was at work all day Tuesday, despite it snowing in the morning.

Today we had an hour delay, and I STILL left early because the snow and more importantly ice, was getting bad at my house since Kyle was home today and telling me the weather report so I wouldn’t get stranded in this storm. I’ve been super agitated today since I got home. I am unsure why because work was a lot better than my very first day, by a long shot. I took my evening meds of Abilify (antipsychotic), lithium (mood stabilizer), Prozac (antidepressant), vitamin d3, plus GI meds, birth control, and my sleep apnea stimulant. I just took my PRN (as needed) hydroxyzine so it shoulddddddd put me to sleep but I am WIRED AND MANIC. Maybe because it’s my birthday in an hour six minutes…. I doubt it because I don’t even like my birthday. It is still snowing as I type this in my good chair in front of the fire…. I might need to call out because we are on top of a hugeeeeeee hill and slick not- well – driven road.

Okay. So I don’t have a problem driving in the snow and ice. I have problems with OTHER PEOPLE driving in the snow and ice. I don’t want them to wreck my new to me AWD Ford Edge. (Got it the day after Christmas because I hated and couldn’t drive the Jeep anymore) Kyle said he was going to work at 4am come h*** or high waters. I am more worried he’s going to wreck his baby, his 13 Ram 1500. It’s almost as tall as our detached garage it is so big but at the very least, there are automatic step up bars along with all the other bells and whistles. I’ll have him tell me how the roads are when he leaves for work and I will pray that he doesn’t slip or slide.

In other news besides it being [Precarious] #AquariusSeason , we are celebrating 5… yes, 5 YEARS here at the website on February 10th! I can’t believe it! To believe that I would be actively following Christ, have a Christ centered marriage / relationship with my husband and to even have a husband!!!!!! I have been to jail two times, I have had countless jobs, so many losses, but going into my 27th year of life, I feel like I am peaking, I feel like the best has either happened or yet to come.

The one area of my life that doesn’t feel perfect is my mental health. I mean, I am okay. No suicidal ideation or at least not at the moment but my delusions and hallucinations have been bad. I think that might be stress induced, even if is positive stress; it’s stress nonetheless. I’ve been having symptoms of schizoaffective disorder since this time last year. I believe I was treated for this illness and officially diagnosed in April or early May. I switched my meds to zyprexa from my Abilify but I gained about twenty pounds on the zyprexa. They upped my lithium from 600mg to 900mg. The zyprexa made me feel great for a bit and then besides the weight gain, I started to become super angry and I didn’t like who I was becoming because then my hallucinations were starting to get violent and or scary.

I was brought back to Abilify since there is the least amount of adverse reactions and I’m on the max dose for me for that drug. I lowered my lithium back to 600mg because I feel less like a zombie and dissociate less. I am just struggling with this diagnosis because I’m worried I’ll never find the right med cocktail to avoid all hallucinations… the delusions I’m used to with the bipolar part of my diagnosis. Bipolar I’m used to. That was my identity from 18-26. Now I don’t know what? Just a gal with imposter syndrome?

I feel like I’m living a lie. I go to work and pretend I’m fine and I come home and I pretend I’m fine because I know Kyle does care and I don’t want to worry him. I feel so sure of myself yet not at all; like I’m watching myself from Heaven or a place up above and looking at a Birds Eye view of my life and me just playing a character in my life. I just pretend nothing’s that bad. Im fine. You’re fine. Everything is fine.

Happy birthday to m e e e e e e . . . . . .

Until next time,

Dani