Now you may be wondering… quit what exactly? and the answer may surprise you. No, I did not quit yet another job; I actually quit vaping for the second time ever in my life. I remember I quit I believe in late January of 2023, but started again once I was in a mania state and was awake for five days straight. But this time I quit on December 16th and have not vaped since. My mod is sitting on my dresser at home, half dismantled that way I couldn’t smoke the remnants of vape juice out of it from pure desperation. So as of 9am this morning, I will be clean of smoking for thirteen days.

I did however get nicotine gum and my consumption of it appears to be less and less each day. I bought a pack of 4mg gum pieces with 100 in a pack. I think I have around 15 left which in reality sounds insane but I was a chain smoker and going cold turkey was not an option for me. But once my 15 pieces are gone, then I am completely done with nicotine.

As much as I hate not vaping, I care about my health for the sake of my husband and our future.. I mean, *very* future family. Plus, Kyle quit his nicotine products at the very beginning of December and went cold turkey. He is still kind of cranky because he used chew (and by that I mean the nicotine mouth sugar packets, not actual snuff) for anxiety and stress at work. He told me before I went to work this evening that he has been sleeping a lot better because the nicotine made him speedy quick at work and now that he actually takes his time with stuff, he doesn’t come home exhausted and needing to sleep for 12+ hours a day ( 3-4 hour nap plus eight hours of sleep per night).

I think for me it’s been hard quitting because I have so much free time at work and I would vape just about every 30-40 minutes for roughly five minutes; so for roughly an hour each shift, I was outside. I am low key panicking because as I chew my nicotine gum now, my head has been killing me for the last two weeks as I have been detoxing. Trust me, this is for the best and I know that. My sister is having a baby in March and I want to be able to hold baby girl and spend time with her and I didn’t want my addiction to get in the way of being an auntie.

In other news, I finally met Kyle’s dad and step mom on Christmas Eve. Kyle and I went to their home roughly an hour south of us for dinner. We ended up having prime rib, bake potatoes, green beans, and cheesecake for dessert. I was having anxiety about this visit because his dad and Kyle have a.. strained relationship at best. His dad was not a fan of us getting married so quickly and claimed we didn’t invite him to our elopement in October. Although they were fighting right before that, I ensured that Kyle did invite the both of them but they made the conscious decision to not come to our wedding which I know on the inside really upset my husband, but we had a wonderful wedding day regardless. Since they chose not to come, they had resentments toward Kyle and I (unwarranted of course, but I digress….) but when we went over on Christmas, they bought all of these nice and expensive gifts although complaining how growing up, Kyle and his brother had all these presents each year but they filed bankruptcy around that time and would buy all this crap despite being broke.. but my thoughts were, “Why would you buy things you can’t afford when all your kids ever wanted was to have your time and attention? Now why are you resentful of spending all this money when 25 years have passed and you’re still bitter?” But regardless, they bought us all this stuff like a nice casserole dish, his step mom made him a scrapbook/picture book of all the photos she had for Kyle and his brother (Kyle was very appreciative of that) along with a new bedding set off of our wedding registry, a pizza cooker? (unsure it looked kindof like a shallow crockpot, and the last item was a budget book.

The budget book was a blow because then his dad told Kyle that Kyle’s “debt to him is null and void” even though Kyle hadn’t borrowed money from his dad in at least a decade and when he did borrow from his dad, he paid it in full so we were unsure what he was getting at. Then that was when things got uncomfortable…. his dad was asking us about our finances, how much debt we’re in, what we had saved and mentioned ways to borrow money to get ahead on debt payments and we’re thinking you don’t borrow from Peter to pay Paul (or at least that was what I always was taught). Plus with the information he perseverated about, it didn’t make sense to Kyle and I because we are natural spenders and although can be frugal, like to also spend so this method wouldn’t work for us, but I feel like his dad was never involved in Kyle’s life due to working all the time to pay child support so now he tries to get involved with our finances but what his dad doesn’t realize is that we budget nearly every day or look at our account and do what we gotta do that works for us, not him.

I simply put it when we opened the budget book that I thought I had seen all the budgeting books on the market but I hadn’t seen this one (which was true). Then Kyle interjected that I actually make my own budget planners hand written and do a calendar with bills/expense due dates along with our income, bills, variable expenses (gasoline, groceries, spending money, etc.), as well as sinking funds for Christmas, car repairs, and other needs and wants. Plus! Extra debt and savings categories for times when we have some extra cash. It’s like, we love you dad but you’re too much right now….

On Christmas Day, we opened presents with my parents and my sister and her husband at my parents house while I did my laundry there. From my sister and her husband, Kyle and I got best aunt and uncle mugs which were cute. My sister and her husband gave our parents a “nana” mug for my mom and a “you’re my favorite asshole” mug for my dad. And no this wasn’t mean spirited. My dad was asked what he wanted to be called once he becomes a grandfather to his first grand girl in March and he goes, “asshole”. And we were all like “huh”, but then he expounded and said he wanted to be called asshole so it would be nana and instead of grandpa or papa or daddy or something more.. typical, he chose the word asshole and asshole he got lol.

I gave my mom a 2025 calendar planner that is really big so she can write in all her stuff. I got dad some slippers because he wears his outside when getting gasoline in the cars or even mowing the lawn so I get him that every year because he goes through them so quickly and won’t bitch if I get those for him. I got my sister and her husband a baby book like a photo book and book for mementos. Everybody loved their gifts and it was a pretty good time.

We gave his grandparents (that live above us in a multifamily home) a framed photo from the wedding of grandma, grandpa, Kyle, and I which she loved. She knew she was getting it because she’s been wanting this damn picture since Kyle and I got married, but I told her to wait until Christmas Day. I wrote Christmas cards to anybody and everybody that I had addresses for and within those cards was a personal message depending on the recipient, a 4×6 photo from the wedding, and a general news letter of the year / Kyle and I’s love story. Plus I designed each card and did the lettering on the front cover of each card (now mind you, I did 40+ cards this year). My cards came out cute though; I drew a red ornament with a hook at the top and wrote ‘happy holidays’ inside the ornament ball and for the text I wrote, “Merry and Married M******” (that last word is my married name which I am choosing to be anonymous, not that y’all couldn’t look up my info on social media and figure it out but oh well lmao.

But enough about family. Once I officially withdraw from nicotine (including the gum; but now I only have eight pieces left so that will be today or tomorrow), I need to start working out again. I’ve been pretty good about not eating out. I’ve had a lot of pelvic and abdominal pain with flank pain so I started seeing my urology again for my Interstitial Cystitis (basically I have chronic pain and feels like I got a UTI or kidney infection all the time). The urologist did a Parsons instillation on me about a week ago and at first I was pain free but now I’m in full swing of pain that I went to the ER not too long ago but they couldn’t find anything wrong with me considering the fact that I have no appendix and the abdominal CT came back normal. But the Parsons instillation all they do is put a catheter into my urethra and drain any urine and then put in some medication like lidocaine and a couple other things. In my teens and early twenties I used to get those every week for years and sometimes they really helped and other times I felt like I do now which is awful. I threw up at work last night over the pain even though I had hardly anything to eat. I got to schedule another urology appointment Monday morning to see the nurse to get this procedure. It’s good I finally am off state insurance and can actually go to the doctor and dentist again.

Speaking of doctors and insurance, I finally have a teeth cleaning appointment February 4th, two days before my 27th(?!) birthday and I have an eye exam I think the 17th of January. But more importantly, on January 13th, I am traveling to Seattle to get another Inspire surgery consult and can hopefully get this sleep apnea implant installed within the next couple of months. Kyle will drive us (well, ferry ride and then drive us) and hopefully my recent weight gain won’t affect my ability to get the surgery because if I remember correctly, my BMI must be under 40 and I’m not above that, but I’m getting close to that number which is scary since I’m pretty overweight for my height and I want to get this surgery so badly because my sleep is shit, I’ve gotten into three car accidents in the past couple years due to excessive drowsiness, and my quality of sleep is awful. Granted, I work night shift so my sleep is also terrible because I’m forced to sleep during the day and it affects my circadian rhythm.

What might also positively affect my sleep schedule is the fact that I am still up for a promotion at my work to a Monday-Friday 9-5 day shift position as a crisis navigator in the town I used to live in. I’d be at the coffee shop making connections with youth, doing little pow-wows, information sessions at the school, and I lived in this area for almost 20 years so I would be able to connect at risk youth to local resources such as addiction/substance use facilities and centers as well as food banks, homeless shelters, designated crisis responders, mental health care, etc. I could coach the at risk youth ages 13-25 to help them through their personal adversities. I had my first interview almost two weeks ago but have yet to hear back, but that could be due to the holidays / end of year activities.

I want to ask my supervisor if I’m going to get the job, but I also don’t want to be too pushy either. Like, at what point do I reasonably can ask the interviewer about next steps since they have yet to follow up with me. My immediate co-worker also applied for an in the agency job, but not the same position as me. She had her interview around when I did and also hasn’t heard back from her interviewer. I just want this job badly so I’m trying not to let my impatience get the best of me. So if I don’t hear back by 5pm on Monday the 30th, I will be sending an email thanking the interviewer for their time on that day to interview me and get to know me better and that I look forward to hearing from him the following day. I am unsure if my agency considers new years eve a holiday or just January 1st. But I’ll be ready regardless lol.

I think that’s enough out of me for now! Thanks for reading 🙂

Much love,

Dani