I should be finishing up my fat stack of Christmas cards that I promised to send out to friends and family before the holiday. It is now 12/15, and I have at least twenty cards left to write personal messages. It is kind of hard because Kyle’s grandma gave me a bunch of addresses, but for people I have no idea who they are and they are only for his mom’s and grandma’s side of the family. I had to message his dad’s side each member individually to get addresses. And even then, all I have for addresses is for his dad and step mom, and two of his aunts (his dad’s sisters) and that’s it. I feel like half of these people will be wondering why the hell I am sending them a card and they barely will know who Kyle is because his last name is different from his maternal grandmother’s cousins lol.

Half of me wants to just put our Christmas news letter and a picture from our wedding into the envelope and seal the handmade card and be done with it. But I am honestly trying to put our best foot forward and by “our” I mean me. I’m trying to be a good wife and it’s hard. I hear people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest and I never got it until I was in this position. We’re doing good overall but for me personally, I am trying to let my servant’s heart be shown to Kyle at all times. He is so considerate and kind, and I am well, me. I’d like to say I am half as considerate as him, but I am just not.

Kyle and I are on a debt free journey, following a loose plan of the Dave Ramsey budgeting method. Two days ago I went to Goodwill to spend $122.00 of my personal spending money and didn’t bat an eye. Well, to be fair, I bought him and I Christmas coffee mugs that I thought were cute to go with our Christmas jammies for our holiday tradition. I also got a 8×10 pretty white picture frame so I can give his grandparents one of our wedding photos. Just have to get the picture developed at Walmart. I also got a white wooden sign which I will gift to Kyle with our last name on it and our wedding anniversary. So I am not completely heartless and inconsiderate… but the other $100 bucks was spent on clothes. Go figure…

In other news I had to make my first AA amends to another co worker who is also in recovery. We have two programs at our homeless shelter: we have of course the shelter, but we also have the drop in center during the day which is a warm place to shower, do laundry, have a meal, play games, etc. without bad influences of drugs and alcohol. On Fridays, the center is open until 9pm which is the same time when we open the shelter and then they all leave when I’m trying to get my youth in the door. When I got to work at 8:30pm, there was a red backpack in the office and I assumed it was one of the center workers who would grab it when it was time for them to go home.

Fast forward to 2am the next day (but same shift for me) and my co worker asked if the red backpack was mine and I said no. She asked if it was the newly admitted youth and I said no I don’t think so. We kept thinking it might have been an individuals backpack from center or possibly, but less likely a co-worker. I have the bright idea to open it so see if I can identify it.

I open the main pouch and inside was a notebook flipped open. I thought the inside cover might have a name, but since it was already flipped open, I saw my full name at the top of the piece of paper followed by my coworker who was working with me in shelter that night and another individual’s name I didn’t recognize. Curiosity got me and my co worker is just watching me as I then inspected and flipped through probably 100 pages of writings and chicken scratch. The page preceding the list of names was my name again with the words “crisis navigator… shelter worker…” as well as a question mark after my name. I was definitely puzzled. I put the notebook back and found a laptop I couldn’t access ( I mean I felt like that crossed a line so I didn’t even open it plus no password to it ). I went to a little pouch next by the backpack handle which had a prescription bottle and I thought, “Oh good! Now I can know who this person is.” Because with the type of notes they had, I thought it might be the senior director who sometimes helps with center on Friday nights since they don’t have anyone in that managerial position to run center. But when I looked at the pill bottle label, it was our crisis navigator and SUDP (substance use disorder professional). I looked in one other pouch to see if I could connect some dots from his notepad, but no luck.

This man and I are friends on Facebook so around 6am, I nonchalantly messaged him “Hey! If you have a red backpack that you forgot from center last night, it is in the office and I can let you in to get it if you want to grab it before the weekend and the shelter closes at 8am.” He was very appreciative and said he’d be there at 7am before going to a church breakfast function.

When I was doing my notes for the night, I felt convicted by Jesus to tell him what I did. I was so guilty and I didn’t mean for my actions to be suspicious or malicious and I needed to make an amends because I knew he was in AA/NA so he knew what I meant when I said I needed to tell the truth and apologize.

So 7am gets here and I answer the door and ask to speak with him in private. I asked if he was in recovery and I knew he was but I had to make sure so he knew the kind of amend I was trying to make. He then told me some of his personal testimony which was cool to hear but I told him that is not why I asked… I then spilled my guts to tell him that I looked through his bag to identify who it belongs to but then I snooped and saw my name. I told him I was sorry I invaded his personal property and was being nosy. He laughed and said nothing in there was private but he appreciated my honesty. He told me why my name was in his book was that he is trying to create a crisis response team and I was at the top of the list because he thought I might be a good fit for it. These positions have yet to be created but in the future it would be possible. My coworker was also being considered for the crisis team.

We spoke a little more and then he left, but we were cordial and on good terms. He didn’t appear to be mad but I don’t usually work directly with him so if he is actually mad, it isn’t the end of the world but I think everything is good now. Once he left, I went to my coworker shaking my head why I did any of that because I acted so stupidly. She told me there was no stopping me she was just there for the ride. My impulses are bad due to my impatience and desire for understanding things as soon as I have questions. But they have certainly gotten better since I’ve been sober. But no, I am not perfect.

But tonight I worked alone and I am almost done with my shift. One more day and then weekend, thank goodness. I have to look for new jobs for Kyle because he’s on his last nerve at the grocery store. I feel so bad, he works so hard and is under appreciated. His store director doesn’t give a shit that he personally is responsible for their large surplus of money; his fresh cut department does better financially than any other department at that store, all thanks to my husband. I want him to work for my company that way he is appreciated but he would have to start out in the shelter like I did and then we run into the issue of me getting this new job and I would then work days and he is on nights so we’d be back at square one.

I’m unsure what will happen, but God has a plan and has been speaking wisdom into my heart.

Until next time,

Dani