About a month ago, when I stopped writing altogether going from next to nothing to nothing, I went through another mental health break. I was pretty consistently having various hallucinations what I would consider it be similar to that of an acid trip. Now, I have NEVER tried acid, but from my knowledge about my hallucinations and acid trips, it feels similar to one. I got on different medication. I haven’t noticed a change in my hallucinations or delusions for that matter, but my mood and affect is better because these meds make me less tired.

I was on Zyprexa as my antipsychotic and it was working quite well until it wasn’t. I am now back on Abilify 30mg and more lithium. I was on 600mg of lithium and now I am back on 900mg. The bipolar aspect of my schizoaffective isn’t the issue here, it is the paranoia, hallucinations, and delusions. It’s been two weeks since my doctor and I have made this medicine change, but since it is the day before Thanksgiving, I won’t be able to get checked out again until December at the earliest.

I mean, it may feel like an acid trip these hallucinations, but a nice acid trip. I see distorted imagery so for an example I look at a painting that is 48in.x48in. That painting, I will visually see that the painting slowly changes sizes and distorts to a different image size, either larger or smaller. I also keep thinking I see things that aren’t there as well as hear things that aren’t there. One night I was out smoking on the work balcony with my co-worker and I asked her if I dropped my keys because I couldn’t find them on the ground. She said they were on my neck, even though I distinctly heard my keys drop onto the concrete and visually saw them go down. It’s just odd to be quite honest with you. My co-workers know of my schizoaffective and are pretty supportive despite me working for a Christian and conservative non profit.

I had a meeting with my boss a few days ago and I asked her how I could move up within the agency. I told her I love my job, but I need to increase my earning potential and I want to grow my skills and I felt I was somewhat at a stand still in my current position (I work as a homeless shelter “counselor”)(No I am not a LMHC or with any degree, but that’s what they call us.) She told me there was a case manager position opening on the 2nd and usually that position requires a Bachelor’s degree OR five years experience, which I have. She said she would send me over some information and I should update my resume to reflect ALL my experience. The director that will be interviewing me has witnessed first hand how I confront a crisis and I have experience providing community resources to clients so I feel positive about getting this job. The only negative thing is the position is part time, so I must find another insurance route because my husband can’t add me to his insurance and my work doesn’t offer insurance to part time workers. I will ask if I can still work full time in the shelter and also do case management because a) more money, b) benefits, and c) keeping in better contact with my clients.

Today I am off work and don’t go back until Friday night. So I am going over to my parents’ house to help prep for Thanksgiving. It is currently 5:43am and my husband went to work an hour ago which is why I am up and so awake. I figured I would be there around 8-9am. I have to do some chores around my house. I wanted to clean my bathroom, mop the bathroom and kitchen floors, clean out my crockpot, clean the kitchen and set up my printer. Also organize some of the boxes in the living room because Kyle (my husband) and I are putting up our fake Christmas tree tomorrow night. It was somewhat funny, I had to go to my ex, Diego’s house to get the tree I left for lack of storage but luckily he wasn’t a prick and gave it back to me since he couldn’t set up the tree anyways due to my old dog climbing it and peeing on it, etc. I bought changing color lights for it and got some decor from the dollar store. I already bought all of everyone’s presents. I just have to do Christmas cards with some cash for Kyle’s few co-workers, we need to get our Christmas jammies, and get cards/pictures from the wedding to send to all of our relatives. We got 14 photos a week ago and will get the rest the first week of December, so I’ll print duplicates of the best one at Walmart and get around 100 cards for Christmas and send out each one with a personal note from Kyle and I.

That reminds me! I have to get addresses for everyone from my mom for our side of the family for these cards which I can do today. Kyle will get his information from his side of the family. We are happy we eloped and have no regrets about it. I missed the fact that my father didn’t walk me down the “aisle” because there was no aisle at the courthouse…. also that Kyle and I didn’t get our first dance. I love music and dancing so much so that felt like a loss, but we discussed just doing a reception but it is too much money for not very much reward. We spent 7k all said and done on our elopement. That included everything from wedding dress to photos to engagement ring to his suit to court fees to honeymoon in Ocean Shores. $7,000 also includes the things that were gifted to us, like Kyle’s maternal grandma (who we live with in her basement) paid for the photos and the total of the photography charges are what makes up that $7,000 figure even though Kyle did not pay for it.

Honestly, compared to some weddings, not bad, but it still felt like a lot just to elope. But we are on a debt free journey and the only thing we paid for/financed was the engagement ring. We are using the debt avalanche method now to pay that credit card off. We’re trying to pay as much debt off while living rent free with his grandparents. All we pay for here is their groceries to “earn our keep”. I adore his grandparents, good people. It is weird to live with them considering I’ve never had roommates before besides only Diego. I told Kyle that we are staying here less than a year no matter what to make sure that we are moving in the right direction. And if I get this new position in my company, even though it is part time, I will make more overall which will help expedite us finding housing elsewhere.

Married life has been good. It is hard working nights while my husband works super early mornings but we make the most of it. I call Kyle when he wakes up in the morning, the hour before he goes to work while I am at work while I clean the shelter. He jumps in bed with me when he gets home from work because I am already asleep for the day to prepare for the next night’s work. After his nap, his alarm will go off around 5-6pm and then we make dinner, socialize, and hang out before I leave for work at 8pm.

It’s hard because we want to spend more time together but we both love our jobs and don’t want to leave, but that means sacrificing our time together at home. Usually we have at least one day a week off together which is good. Sometimes it is two days but I don’t hold my breath in case he’s forced to work overtime. He and I both have Thanksgiving off so we are going to play games with his grandparents in the early AM and then at 11:30am, go to my parents house for 1pm Thanksgiving with parents, my sister and her husband. I think it will be good.

I was cleaning the house yesterday because I also had that day off. I found the letter I wrote to Kyle five days after we both met! It was dated 12/16/2023. We originally met on the 11th. Well technically we first met when he saved me on a river rafting trip at church camp 11 years ago, but we officially met 12/11/2023. But he kept this letter all this time and I asked him about it while he was working yesterday and he said, “well I always knew you were special”.

I’ll leave you with that for now and hopefully I’ll write more soon ❤

Love,

Dani