I don’t recall if I mentioned this in my last blog post or not, but on Thursday I saw my PCP for medication adjustments (which there was nothing to adjust; mental health is for the most part stabile). But I also had her check both of my ears since they have been hurting me for nearly three weeks at that point. I now realize I shouldn’t have waited so long to be seen because now I am on day 5 of my antibiotics and my ear pain and discomfort have only worsened. I am at work tonight until 8am on Monday morning so I am contemplating going to urgent care to get my ears re-checked for what might now be a middle ear infection. Probably will need to go on a different antibiotic or some ear drops… Something! Because ear pain is the worst, I swear.

Mental health wise I have been doing a lot better. My mood has increased significantly since my car accident on the 11th. I am still wrapping my head around that situation but I’m not nearly as morbidly depressed as I was when it first happened.

I have been contemplating what I will do with all my extra free time I’ll have now that I’m no longer in rehab outpatient treatment. I am contemplating going to the gym after I get off work at least two times a week. I have been gaining a lot of weight lately and now I am slowly but surely becoming the heaviest I’ve ever been, which I am not okay with. So my thoughts besides eating better is to at the very least walk on the treadmill for a half hour, stretch, and maybe try a couple of machines to get some strength training in there too. I just remember when I was 18, 19 years old, I was a total gym junkie. I could run the mile in 8 minutes flat. I was strong and had a lot of endurance. I hold a lot of resentments toward my old self, but I think it’s because I let myself go so much after having my three foot, leg, and knee surgeries. Because of pain, it’s hard to run, but I don’t know if it’s completely impossible. I would like to be able to do at least a light jog once in a while. I’d like to know in my heart that if I got chased by a bear, I could at least attempt to run away.

I have been struggling with my imagination getting the best of me. I haven’t been wanting or desiring to drink alcohol which is good, but now that I am done with treatment I keep fantasizing smoking weed again. I am no longer doing the urine analysis so if I wanted to smoke weed, I could and there would be little penalization. Plus with my ears hurting as bad as they have been, the weed sounds extra appealing. I wasn’t diagnosed with a cannabis addiction, but the recovery road advises against smoking because it either could be a problem, or lead me astray with alcohol or worse, other substances.

I am unsure however how my hallucinations would be if I were to smoke weed. The hallucinations are a new development since I have been sober so I’ve never smoked while experiencing hallucinations or delusions for that matter. Although I am not currently experiencing hallucinations or delusions, I wonder if those ailments would “go into effect” after the first hit.

In the seven years I smoked weed before I became sober, I only had one hallucination that I recall. I might not be able to even call it a hallucination, maybe I was just super stoned. But even that was blissful, a positive experience. I just wouldn’t want to have a negative experience whilst high due to my schizoaffective disorder, because then you really can’t escape being high until it wears off. I know negative hallucinations are terrible especially when you’re sober because there is no where to run, no where to hide and the cannabis if you end up consuming it would only make your situation worse.

In other news, today is my Friday at work. It’s been a good four days at full time hours but I am definitely ready for some time off. Monday night I have to meet Kyle’s mom and brother for the first time. They are in from Alaska for some personal matters and from what Kyle has told me about them, it should be interesting. His mom is excited that he and I are engaged because I make Kyle happy and vice versa. She also likes my idea of eloping. Both of us were surprised because she has apparently never liked anyone that Kyle was in a relationship with, but she likes me.

I am unsure if we want to do a wedding or just elope and have a reception later. Kyle said it was really up to me and the only reason I do want to elope is because I don’t want to have a wedding party with bridesmaids and groomsmen because Kyle wants his adopted brother to be the best man and that would offend his biological brother and there is a lot of turmoil within the family that if certain people were to attend the wedding, others wouldn’t come in order to avoid that person or people. I, however, don’t want bridesmaids or a maid of honor mostly because I have no one to be in any of those spots. I really don’t have any lady friends that I trust could follow through with such a commitment. I mean, I have a sister, but the problem with that is our opposing viewpoints and I feel like my wedding would be about pleasing her and doing what she wants to not disrupt the relationship and I would have to compromise a lot to have her there. So I would be fine having a wedding if there were no bridal parties, otherwise I would want to elope. I am unsure where we would go to elope or when, but that seems more practical. I know originally Kyle really wanted a wedding at his home church. I just have my one request to follow through with and if that is the case, I would be happy with a church wedding.

The good thing about all this is that I have time, there’s no rush and there’s almost always tomorrow if nothing gets completed today. I am going to try to write more on here because I lost how therapeutic writing really is for me and like all my oldie but goodies know, I love punching those damn keys regardless of my state of mind. I’ll try to update after his family dinner because that should bring us something interesting to share with y’all.

Much love,

Dani