Hi to all reading this! Long time, no write… I know, I know…. I just have been having issues with my motivation and lack of creativity. And although, it doesn’t take much to write about my life and my experiences, you need motivation to do that which I am unfortunately also lacking at the moment. To be frankly honest, I don’t want to write this now as we speak but I write to kind of in spite of me not wanting to write. Does that make any sense? This whole blog / website was designed and started to spite someone else and it helped me get over that situation and now here I am nearly five years later and I got other people I need to spite. Plus I do it for myself… well not to spite myself but I write to calm myself and give answers or more clarity to issues I might be dealing with. If you ever need expert advice, just write a letter to yourself and read it at a later date and it might be what you were searching for, all along.

To get the major housekeeping out of the way… and to preface this next statement, I’m fine! Although fine, I was in a car accident on July 11th, it was my fault after working a 12 hour shift I dozed off and ran into the car in front of me that was stopped at a red light. I was also stopped at this red light and slowly inched forward and next thing I knew I was in this person’s trunk. Fortunately the driver and the child were okay, I felt so God awful about it, but she was kind until she had the police called to mediate the situation and I was left with $196.00 dollar ticket for following too close, which is fair. Just happy it wasn’t any worse…

I’ve had a rental car for about a week now and it’s alright. I thought there was just cosmetic damage on my RAV4 but there is a radiator leak coming from the actual radiator or the piping to/from. It’s going to the body shop today via tow truck because in this heat, I really don’t need my car blowing up and having more issues on my hands. It’s expensive but I got a rather large paycheck a few days before my supposed pay day so it’s helped me pay for the rental and for the traffic ticket, etc.

With that, I have been working a lot too. There is a gal on medical leave which opened up her full time spot plus my guaranteed one day a week so I’m pulling some decent overtime. I paid my car payment a couple of days ago and all my other bills are paid so I’m pretty content. I would’ve liked for this money to go toward a down payment on a place to rent out and live with Kyle, but he is also in a rental due to his even more minor fender bender in his new truck. Ay yi yi…..

Oh! In other wonderful news, I graduated from treatment on Wednesday the 17th which is also my 11 month sober anniversary! No more treatment classes in the early morning, no more random UAs and no more minimum requirement AA / sober support meetings. That took a lot of my time and energy. I’m happy yet kind of sad because I grew to enjoy some of those meetings. But the time has come, it was getting expensive anyways.

I was hoping that with more time on my hands that my passion for writing would come back but whenever I started my zyprexa for my schizoaffective, my moods are overall better and positive, but my creativity is zapped from me. That is almost worth it for me to stop taking it but there are really no other alternatives for me. So now I am stuck in this sort of creative zapped mess of a brain of mine and I need to get the crazy out someway, somehow. But writing isn’t it. I haven’t painted in what feels like ages, but that almost seems harder to me than just punching the damn keys to write.

I think that’s all I have as far as updates go. It took way too long to get this much written down but I suppose I can’t be so hard on myself. I gotta get back in the swing of things and with every key stroke, I get better, faster, stronger. So with that being said, I’ll call it a night at 4:01am.

Much love,

Dani