I guess it’s been about a month and a half since I’ve been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Well, I should say I first wrote about my diagnosis on May the 4th, which I believe was a Saturday so not the day I was actually diagnosed but close to it.

I feel like for the last eight years I have lived my life according to a diagnosis title and that title was called bipolar disorder. I never wanted schizoaffective because I saw what it did to my family, that and addiction of course and I didn’t want any part of it. But too late now, I’m stuck. No I don’t have to have a diagnosis dictate my life but my diagnosis is me; and I’m it. It controls my thoughts. My eyesight, my hearing, my perception is completely controlled by a blip in the system. It is like I was almost made correctly and my DNA record got scratched just a bit so you hear static instead of music when it comes to mental health stability.

I worked tonight since 9pm on Sunday, the 23rd til 8am ish today. Right now it’s 0542. I’m the only staff here tonight because my other staff got sick and I sent her home. It’s been kinda nice because when she left, most of the youth went to bed so I’ve been cleaning, charting, doing laundry, and watching videos on YouTube with breaks of listening to music. On Youtube I watched my beloved budgeting videos. But I wanted something different so I came across a page that read something like “living with schizophrenia” or something like that and I clicked on a video of a lady in Canada who filmed her mental health inpatient stay. I found some parallels with what I know as a mental health clinician and as a patient/advocate. In my old work place, clients couldn’t have their phones on the unit at all, let alone record. She had her own room which wasn’t like my unit at all; most people shared rooms with 1-2 others. Her asking for PRNs from nursing brought me some memories. They weren’t in a high security setting so the nurses were milling about and not in a designated room secured by lock and key.

I think I watched a couple of videos by the same gal and I resonated a lot with it because once she reviewed her mental health hospital stay she was all done up for the interview, which reminded me of me in the sense that I put on this facade every day to go to work or school or whatever and I act like I don’t have a disability or at the very least, that I am not debilitated by my disability. I think a lot of times I do succeed and others I don’t. She brought up delusions and paranoias involving her spouse and kids, and I really felt that. Not as much with this current relationship I am in, but with my ex fiancé, Diego. I had delusions/paranoias about him all the time. Like he was out to get me, he sabotaged my image, he called me nasty names and then would gaslight me and say that wasn’t true or real that he said bad things about me that I to this day have no idea or perception what is real and what isn’t. I can tell some of my delusions are bleeding onto Kyle because I get very moody with him all of the sudden. His affect could be slightly off for any which reason and I put a negative meaning behind it and I think he’s out to get me, too.

The other night I was at Kyle’s and my right ear was really hurting but my mind started playing tricks on me and I start thinking there is a bug near or in my ear. (There’s obviously not). I kept smacking the side of my head and the sensation of bugs all over me, not just in or on my ear overwhelmed me so I’m sitting up, sitting criss cross applesauce and holding my hands to cover my ear holes. He kept trying to lay me down on his chest and I didn’t want to tell him I couldn’t do that, but I was also worried about the bugs getting in my mouth when I spoke so I stayed quiet. All while this was happening, I knew how stupid I was being but at the other hand, the sensation of bugs all over me and getting in and out of my ears and other areas of my body was incredibly real.

I finally managed to say I can’t lay on you because the bugs will get on you. He just paused and said the bugs wouldn’t get on him. Yet through all this, I am thinking that five feet away is the engagement ring he bought for me and for our future selves and this guy still wants to MARRY ME?! Now I should be asking what kinda whack job is he? And the answer is: he isn’t. There are not enough nice things to say about my boyfriend. He told me he was going to propose to me on the 11th but the day before that he got into a car accident which ruined his original plan which apparently was to take me to a nice restaurant and walk around to the fountain and propose at the fountain on our six month anniversary. I told him that was way too much to do. I don’t need anything fancy. I’m just excited for the covenant that will form once we do get married.

Kyle has Tuesday and Wednesday off so I kind of have a feeling he might propose in the next couple of days and I’ll either make an engagement post or nothing at all lol.

Anyways I got side tracked. With watching this girl do her thing about schizoaffective on video, I felt a sense of needing ownership over my own diagnosis. I need to learn what it’s all about, learn perspective until it becomes intrinsic to me. I’m not there yet, but I will be. My meds have been helping yet not at the same time. It’s not bad enough for me to go to the doctor and say I’m in crisis, but something is off. I feel okay about 80% of the time and the other part, schizoaffective has me tied around its little finger, which I am not a fan of.

I am usually pretty good at deciphering what is real and what isn’t but I don’t enjoy when the bad thoughts circle around inside of my head and I can’t stop thinking a certain way.

In other news, I am now 10 months sober as of the 17th of June. I graduate from outpatient on July 17th as long as all my UA’s come back clean and I attend all groups. I got my counselors changed out and this new counselor was like why do you want to leave and seeing if I would be a relapse risk without treatment services. I explained I live a sober life, everyone I know is supportive of me being sober and my boyfriend is a normie but he would dump out a full ass beer if I told him that his drinking triggered me even the slightest. We don’t keep alcohol at home for this reason. I asked if she wanted a longer list and she said I could graduate a couple weeks after July starts. Which I’m excited because I can work more hours if I want.

I’ve grown tired of writing this. LOL. I am gonna chill before time to wake up the youth at 7am. It’s 0625 now.

much love,

Dani