No, not engaged yet. Just to update the Too Long; Don’t Read (TL;DR) readers haha. Keep scrolling for more riveting content because this probably ain’t it.

Here we are 3:37am, awake at work. I feel like this night shift isn’t great on my mental health because I think humans tend to over think at night when the sleep *should* be happening, but isn’t happening because of work. I’m not saying night shift is a detriment to my mental health at all, in a lot of ways I prefer the night shift; all the emails stop, and everything goes quiet and the clients fall asleep and I got the kitchen to myself and I start brewing coffee and eat snacks of all varieties. I think a lot of people would actually get more things done on night shift if they could force their circadian rhythm to be different because the night is lonely yet super relaxing. If I am alone and awake I tend to think of the people all around the world that are awake right now and especially night shift workers like at the hospital and what not.

I am starting to get into the swing of my job. I had a meeting with my manager and she said I’m doing great and she wanted me to take lead in my position over the direct care staff now that my background check has cleared and I’ve completed the main bulk of my training. My manager told me that I am taking over all the charting that happens each shift on any shift I’m on, even though I’m technically new, I have the most practical experience than the other staff.

It was almost comical because we all got the email that it was me who is supposed to chart throughout the 11 hour shift and the gal who is direct care who I’ve been working with wrote on paper everything I needed to write down in the EMR (electronic medical record) like I didn’t know how or when to keep track of when the youth came in or went to shower or off to bed. I didn’t need her notes because I’m used to charting on 16 individuals and right now we have 5 youth and we don’t chart on much more than their location within the unit and if there is an emergency. But apparently EMS was called a couple of times in the last few days so fortunately I didn’t have to deal with that as a new staff, but my brain in emergencies works quite well. Apparently this coworker who is with my tonight is great at data entry but when it comes to social skills and emergencies, she just shuts down so it’s almost like I am really here by myself except she has a full set of keys whereas, I do not.

At this time, I am just waiting for 3:55am for my boyfriend to wake up to his alarm so I can call him. When I am at work, we usually talk on the phone for roughly an hour before he goes to work. I think he’s gonna try to take two long weekends soon before the 4th of July and that’s when I’ll most likely move from part time to full time which will be nice to have benefits and a set schedule. I’ve been working at least seventy hours every two weeks since I started on May the 6th. So not quite full time, but full time with my company is 33 hours a week. so it kind of is their version of full time.

The shifts I work are 11 hour days so in 3 days, that makes it full time. I would like forty hours just because I need the money to make up for the last couple months of not working. Fortunately my car note is up to date and not behind, but every paycheck moving forward I have to be strategic with because I need to get my car’s oil changed and pay for odds and ends things.

School was a bust; I mean it’s technically not over yet, but I stopped trying in the midst of figuring out my medication. I was having issues with my vision and the last thing that was good for me was staring at a computer screen doing homework. My mood has drastically shifted from April 1st until now. I was agitated and manic before and now I’m just starting to normalize; or come to what is normal for me…

I am not used to identifying as schizoaffective. It doesn’t have the same ring to it that bipolar has. Not that bipolar really has any ring to it either, but I think there is more social acceptance since I first got diagnosed with bipolar back in 2016 to now in 2024. But as far as social acceptance goes for schizoaffective, I feel as though most people just scratch their heads and stare because really, what is schizoaffective? Is it bipolar? Is it schizophrenia? Like make a decision here! *sarcasm intended*.

I think I had a strong sense of pride and ownership over my diagnosis before. Not that a diagnosis defines a person (which is a whole other blog post for a different day), but I think if we are diagnosed with something whether it be diabetes, autism, arthritis, etc., when we have pride in who we are or what we are, something changes within us that I can’t quite explain. There’s a reason and not an excuse. I used to say that over and over with bipolar; I overreacted which is why I canceled plans, but my overreaction is not an excuse for what went down, it’s just a reason.

I guess with that framework of thinking, my delusions are a reason but not an excuse to do or not to do something. I guess I haven’t really thought about this disorder within that framework before. Hmm!

Now it’s 5:13am and I have not much accomplished besides an hour long phone call with my boyfriend and did some cleaning / chores on the unit. I am so pleased with this new job and I feel like my head space has never been better. If I needed time off for my mental illness they wouldn’t bat an eye and would help me with anything I needed. I enjoy working for a Christian organization that has my best interest in mind!

My mind set is now so different than it was three months ago. Then, I was jobless and hanging on by a thread to get through the motions of daily living. Now I have a part time job that is about to be full time, I get to spend the next two days with my boyfriend. Apparently he was dropping hints to come over and meet up with my dad to ask for my hand in marriage. He kept asking how my dad was at the end of every day and I was so confused lol like he was persistent in asking my dad multiple times how he was (he was super sick so he didn’t do much this weekend). Kyle was going to ask him for my hand in marriage this weekend but he wanted me either not home or oblivious when it happened. Kyle – 0 and Universe – 1.

Exciting things are happening.

Much love,

Dani