This week has been a week to say the least and you’re all probably wondering where I’ve been since last time that I posted. I’ve just been rotating from eat, sleep, work, and seeing Kyle even if it’s only a nap date (a date where you and your person nap at the same time). I’m probably failing in school I know one class grade is salvageable maybe my math but the other two are too far gone. I literally have no idea how it happened either. My medication got fixed probably about a week ago and I’ve been doing well in that regard. I started hallucinating this evening when I went out on the balcony at work to smoke and I saw a rainbow through the street lamp even though it is pitch black outside and raining. I’m like, “okay that’s on me”. I went back inside and nothing else seemed not normal. I don’t think it’s due to exhaustion either; I’ve been sleeping non stop when not working.

Now it is 1:02am and I am working til 8am. Then I have outpatient 9am-11am and maybe I’ll go to AA after my outpatient class. All I know is that I’ve been slacking in all aspects of my life right when I really need to pull through the most. School is part of a lost cause so it’s not worth my effort to save all four classes. If I’m lucky, I’ll save two of the four. Not gonna make that mistake again. Any more than one class in a quarter is too much for me and I think literally anyone could have told me that but I have to fail at my own expense to allow it to hit me. I’m taking a break summer quarter so I can work on work and some other stuff.

Kyle had Friday and Saturday off as well as Thursday afternoon. I stayed over for three days and on Friday we both got up around 6am and went and got breakfast and then he asked if I wanted to look at apartments to move into together and it threw me off guard but of course I agreed. The apartment we looked at was nice enough, had everything we needed for a place of our own (we don’t own much). But the one bedroom seemed a bit tight for what we would need. Kyle wants a gaming room and I told him he could have the living room so he needed a big open wall for his projector to project on said wall. I just want a desk area for me to do my artsy fartsy stuff. I think once we started buying furniture for the place we’d have a better idea for it logistically. He suggested it because he used to live there as a kid with his mom and brother and It would be super close to his work and close enough to his grandparents so he could check on them regularly. It’s closer to work for me and about thirty minutes south of my parents’ house.

They claimed to not have any 1 or 2 bedrooms available until mid July. I kind of got the feeling that Kyle would have signed us up to move in right then and there had they let us. But then later we went to the mall to go to Lens Crafters so he could get an eye appointment and see how much an exam and new frames would be since his glasses are over five years old. It wasn’t too pricey. Then I asked him if I could look at pretty pretty shiny shinys and he ended up buying my engagement ring.

NO we are NOT engaged… YET. Lol. The impatience inside of me is overwhelming and I want to tell everyone everything and scream it from the mountain tops except there’s nothing to say quite yet. We have been going steady since December 11th, 2023, so just shy of six months. I am unsure what made him so impulsive this weekend but apparently he has a proposal all planned out so I have literally no clue what’s going to happen or when or where, only why. The ring is beautiful it is three stone with a princess cut center stone and it has a halo and the band has a twisty with little sparkle diamonds and the design of the metal looks similar to a crown and I think that is what sold Kyle since his last name is McQueen. He wants me to be his McQueen. Which I’d gladly accept anyday.

So this weekend was pretty good if I do say so myself. I’m only on the schedule once this week (so tonight) and the next two Sunday evenings so I got some time to put everything back in order since my mental breakdown. I just go through spurts of manic energy followed by larger spurts of apathy which is why I don’t care if I pass my classes or not despite my boyfriend putting 3,000$ toward school for me. My follow through has been better since I’ve been diagnosed schizoaffective, but not being on a perfect medicine regimen is gonna eat me alive. I am unable to keep up on activities of daily living like getting out of bed for more than ten minutes and the consequences aren’t cute. I keep falling asleep on my night shifts which is definitely not a cute look for me as the new person, but part of that problem was I couldn’t get my prescription that helps me stay awake filled so now I’m like manic, agitated, wide awake which also does not bring me great joy.

Basically all I do on night shift is stay wake and talk to the kids when they get in for the night, usually around when shelter opens at 9pm. Their curfew is midnight so lights out at that time. One staff keeps a log of hourly events (usually the youth sleep from 11pm-7am) and the other cleans the bathrooms, and sweeps and mops the space. Pretty straightforward. I am still learning their paperwork protocol which is mostly on paper besides their charting system. I have some online trainings to do that I can do during working hours or I can do school work. The last couple of weeks I have been struggling staying awake during the shift so no homework for me.

I have my 14 day initial review on Tuesday morning at 8am. I think it will go fine; I’m supposed to ask questions about “what if” scenarios and I don’t really have any questions. This work is quite different than the scope of my past jobs because at my last job working at the adult inpatient unit, the adults had their rights stripped of them because they were deemed medically/mentally incompetent. Here the youth/young adults have all their rights and are mentally/physically capable, but are houseless. Some in school, some working, some both. As long as they don’t bring drugs/alcohol into the space and no weapons, they are welcome assuming they have a bed available to them, from 9pm-8am. At 8am, we kick everybody out since we are technically an emergency shelter so we cannot house these folks 24/7 it is not in the scope of our work and not okay according to the licensure through the state of Washington. We have 3 out of 6 youth right now and it seems pretty chill. They discharged a somewhat unruly youth over the weekend and tonight was chill and I was able to reach out to each of my youth who seem to like me.

Shelter work is different than inpatient mental health work in many ways since we aren’t trying to change anyone but instead we offer help and services if you meet our guidelines. Whereas when you go into involuntary treatment you must change; we offer help and services once you comply with our guidelines. But don’t get it twisted, the shelter system can be just as heartless or so it seems. We have a three warning/strike policy. So-seemingly minor things like not making your bed every morning or coming in high off weed and missing curfew can get you kicked out just as fast as a single physical act of violence. It seems to me that, well maybe this is just the agency I work for, that they somewhat have the attitude of “pulling yourself up by the bot straps”. Or in other words, do the best with what you got; you gotta work harder and play smarter to get bigger and better things. How do you tell an 18-20 year old kid who has no home and the clothes on their back to pull themselves up by their bootstrap, who’s gonna tell ’em that their lack of trying gave them an unstable family unit and they need to work harder to get their own place when working a minimum wage job. Are YOU gonna say that? Yeah… me either…

The agency I work for is a dedicated Christian facility and their philosophy is that family reconciliation is the best way for youth to succeed. Not in situations of abuse or anything like that but if it’s safe and reasonable, go back home if you can. Cuz we all know how hard it is to afford rent now- a- days.

I digress… you know me I could go on for hours about the social services field lol. I don’t have much else to report so I’m gonna skidaddle.

Much love,

Dani