It’s been 6 days since I have been officially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and the same amount of time for my reduced lithium per day and added on Zyprexa. At first, I felt infinite, spectacular and wonderful… but I had this uncontrollable shakiness about me; it felt like my insides were being rattled and I wasn’t physically shaking, I just felt that way. My hands tremble like a maintenance drinker which I am not since I am sober 8.5 months and never got to maintenance drinking in my active addiction. But I was shaking someone’s hand today and I could tell they noticed my hand tremble. But the worst and scariest of it all is that this medication is blurring my vision in my non – legally blind eye. So even with glasses things look blurry or odd.

The good thing about the zyprexa is that it keeps me awake like a normie. Without a stimulant and at least 2 Red Bulls every day, I can’t get out of bed and could easily sleep 22 hours a day. But with this med, I barely need my stimulant to wake up; I feel rested from sleep and can function and have activities to do all day long. I’m not normally an early bird but I’ve been getting up between 4-5am and going to sleep around 10pm.

I know it’s late as I write this because weird stuff is happening with my eyes that make it hard to focus and look on the screen. My eyes have been constantly dilated lately and I see fuzzy spots through the lens of my eyeball, even with corrective lenses. Part of me thinks it is just because I am tired that I am having trouble seeing but I can’t decide if it’s that or yet another side effect.

In other news, I got the shelter counselor job that I applied and interviewed twice for during April! I went in to the admin office on Monday and signed some W-4s and I-9s and bank direct deposit forms. I was there for about an hour, first half working on signing documents while trying to control and hide my shaky hands, and then just chatted with the folks there. I worked 8:30a-12:30 on Tuesday. My supervisor said I will train all week this week and then go to noc shift (nocturnal) this next week. Usually my shifts will be 11 hours long; 9pm-8am, no lunch. But at 3am, where would I go to have lunch anyways? I can bring a little lunch box full of food and snacks and eat on shift while the youth sleep. I was also told when it’s slow and the work for the night is completed, I can work on homework which is awesome.

This week is kind of complex because I have midterms this week so I need to put 110% effort into work so I can graduate at the end of this quarter. And starting work this week is great, but it doesn’t necessarily help my studies.

I have a deadline every night this week which is fine but I got to sleep at some point too. I’ve been awake since 4:45am and now it is nearly 9 pm. And I need to be up at 5:30am to finish up some loose ends with school. My eyes hurt from focusing for what seems like all day long. This, meaning blogging, also hurts my eyes but I needed to perform some writing self care.

Honestly my apathy toward school is getting to me a little bit because I’m letting more things slide like not working to get the correct answer to a math problem and learn from my mistakes. My character defect when it comes to school is that I don’t need to study; as in, I am too good for studying.

I think that philosophy stems from my life as a child because I was “naturally gifted” and never had a reason to study because I learned to pass and excel without studying. And now that I’m back in college for the 4th or 5th time in 8 years, I have never learned effective study habits to sustain the learning gap because this quarter I am taking classes way out of my wheelhouse so in order to pass, I must study and do all the extra videos and PowerPoints I can to comprehend the material to then test on it.

As a kid, I legitimately had a photographic memory of anything I read or saw on tv or pages from books. For Heaven’s sake, I read Little Women by Louisa May Alcott in the third grade at eight years old. Back then before life trauma happened, I could have given you a full synopsis of that book and tell you my favorite character ( which was Jo ). Now due to trauma and I suppose due to my new mental illness, schizoaffective disorder, I can hardly concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Like today, I was having a lot of trouble comprehending my homework assignment and usually I have no issues in math because it’s the bare basics intro to math class at college. This is my third time being in this class, so I would like to get it over with and get a degree.

If and when I do pass my classes, my mom said she would buy graduation cap and gown and said her and my dad would watch me at graduation. I feel like Plankton from SpongeBob who states, “I’m not sure…. I never thought I’d make it this far.”

I never considered walking at graduation because I never thought I could make it this far; let alone be alive and mostly well. I am worried about passing two of my five classes. I’m pretty Sure I’ll have a 3.0 GPA in my intro to science class, the health class, and the math in society class. Geology is kicking my butt, but biology outright shot me in the head and then assaulted my dead body.

I mean geology, if I really put more effort into the class, I could just barely pass. However with biology, it would take a schedule overhaul and round the clock reading, highlighting, study cards, watching videos, watching power points and doing the damn study guides. What I don’t understand is that each week we have to download and print out literally 50 pieces of study guide notes and I just can’t bring myself to do them. I figure I can wing it which subconsciously means I don’t know how to study this material effectively, so I am giving up.

I can salvage my grade, but with this new job and outpatient obligations and at minimum two sober support meetings a week and working on step work for the AA program? Do you really think I have time to spend 20 hours per week in a single class when I have four other classes that are just important and require the same amount of study time?

Hey, so maybe you’re thinking that I’m in over my head… just a tad. Maybe you wonder, “Why did this idiot take more classes than she could handle?” That is an honorable question and the answer to that is I didn’t think I would make it this far and I’m an all or nothing kind of gal so I went all in so I could just finally be done. I have bigger and better things to worry about… but if I end up flunking biology, I can always take it summer quarter and pray that I pass the rest of my classes this spring.

I better log off now because I have to study quickly and then quickly take my online geology exam. Wish me luck…

Much love,

Dani

P.S. if you ever need someone to talk to, always feel free to comment below or to email me at theprecariousaquarius@gmail.com I take any questions, comments, scripture, concerns, and also memes lol.