Fighting the good fight, there ain’t many left like us

It takes two to tango, but two to build trust

You lay me down gently, I won’t stop fighting

for your heart. I can’t fight off this disease.

You’re so far away but I aim to please.

The delusions and distortions in my mind are

getting me tonight. I’m not failing; just

slowly going under. The waves’ tide comes in, covering

my eyes. Ain’t no way I can sink and survive. Just

when I give up and close my eyes, you pull me out of

the water and rescue my soul. I am resuscitated and revived;

Hallelujah I’m alive.

…

Jesus is my mental health lifeguard. He doesn’t lessen the blows, but He saves me when I cannot save myself. Relying on Him throughout my day rather than relying on my own devices means before I go into crisis mode I can ask for help to get through the day or even for the next five minutes. If I don’t ask for help, I begin to feel the waves start to make my ankles and knees buckle under water and next thing I know, the waves take me and lay me down. And the process repeats itself. It’s much easier to maintain a relationship with Jesus than to only ask for help once and a while and otherwise be distant.

Obviously the ocean analogy is just that; an analogy. But I’ve been really working towards praying more and relying on the Lord’s guidance and discernment because of course my own judgment is out of whack. I’ve been praying for patience for a year and a half now nearly everyday and I finally feel at peace with that. I mean, I have my moments as does everyone but I really think I’ve been better lately. I have also been praying to build relationships and I think I’m slowly making friends in recovery. That’s another prayer answered.

Today was a bad day for Kyle because his new to him truck made weird noises this morning but somehow managed to go to work and get it to the dealership where the problem is under warranty and may be without a vehicle for a while as the mechanics investigate it but he has me and family to rely on for rides to and from work in the meantime. I just prayed today that he would be safe and we wouldn’t have to tow the truck to the shop and we didn’t; it was a little scary for him but it went well. I picked him up from the dealership after work and drove him home and here I write my blog post while he sleeps before his 4am shift tomorrow. We made this hamburger helper casserole from cleaning out the fridge and pantry and it ended up turning it super divine! I cooked everything, but Kyle seasoned the hamburger while I browned the meat. Then he continued watching the NFL draft while I cooked. I had 1.5 lbs of hamburger, two boxes of the noodles with cheese sauce and a huge can of green beans.

I have actually never made hamburger helped before, so I boiled the water (4.5 cups) and put the noddles and cheese sauce packets in and stirred a lot. Once everything settled, I poured in the one cup of milk (the recipe called for more with a double batch but Kyle is sensitive to dairy so I only used a cup for the creamy consistency of the noodles.) Once I browned the meat and cooked it through, I dumped the uncooked green beans in the pot with the cooked meat and stirred on high for ten minutes and then let it rest off the burner for ten minutes. Oh yeah, I added one slice of pepper jack cheese to add some spice and real cheese instead of the synthetic packet crap. Kyle and I ate really big bowls of the stuff. Not bad for a first attempt.

The only reason I don’t like cooking at Kyle’s house is he doesn’t have all the utensils to cook that you need to make most homemade meals. For example, I asked him where his can opener was because he had a bunch of canned food that didn’t have easy peel lids and he said he didn’t have one but luckily for us, his grandparents have a real kitchen with all the supplies upstairs. I mean, Kyle’s kitchen is real with full sized appliances except no dishwasher. But his hand held appliances are lacking. Like he doesn’t have a food strainer, he didn’t have a microwave until I forced him to buy one LOL. He doesn’t have lids for his skillets, he just bought one big skillet because he didn’t have one. No kitchen scissors and only one steak knife no big knife set 😦 But my parents just got a really nice pot and pan set from my dad’s company as a gift so I think I’m gonna raid their cabinets and give leftover usable stuff to Kyle. Also no butter dish…. Shake my head.

Overall, I had a good day I’m finally getting sleepy after the two hours that Kyle has already been asleep. So I guess I will retreat for now.

Much love,

Dani