I feel like I definitely lose brain cells in the midst of a mental breakdown and it’s getting to the point where I cannot function properly. I couldn’t bring myself to go to work today even though it’s only week 2 of the new job. I couldn’t be bothered to call in either because I know I don’t have a good excuse as to not come in…

I mean, what could I do? Say I have mania and I’m in the midst of a psychotic episode? No because a) that admits to the employer that I am not reliable and b) they may fire me anyways for not coming in and not having a “good enough” excuse for not coming in, so in that case I’d rather ghost an employer than get fired. I know by default they will fire me for job abandonment but I somehow feel like I am somehow in control of the matter.

In other news, I am doing quite well in school so I’m not a complete fuck up… I also got an email from probation that they are most likely going to withdrawal my next court date because I am “back in compliance” with treatment, which means as long as I remain on the up and up, I won’t have any more bad marks on my legal file. Which is especially good because I now don’t have the $500 for my attorney to appear in court for me.

I don’t know what to do. I love working but I can’t do these fucking food service jobs it is wayyyyyyy too hard. They expect a million things out of you and I got yelled at so many times for getting the wrong order and being new. I’m just not cut from that cloth. But now the inevitable I need to find another job ASAP and I just can’t. I feel incapable, unconfident, and defeated.

I no longer know what I should do or be in life. If only writing made me better money…

Excuse me as I go sulk now…

Dani