I have been having a case of the manic Mondays, and Tuesday, and now it’s Wednesday and I’m as restless and agitated as ever. My mind won’t stop thinking and none of it makes sense from one moment to the next; I am lucky I haven’t done anything drastic… yet…

My parents are out of town so they said I could have Kyle, my lovely boyfriend, over to spend a night or two while I pet sit the cats. I am so thankful for him because without him and my mom, I bet I would’ve done something super reckless. I kinda need someone by my side during this time to talk me off the ledge or to shoot down my “great” ideas. This time has not escalated as bad as the last manic spree because then I went with five days without hardly any sleep and I was wired, drinking and smoking weed. If you can recall, I broke up with my now ex-fiance, Steven because I was bored and didn’t care anymore.

This time is not as bad as that, but the impulses are stronger than ever, but at least I have better coping skills than I did the last time. The second I realized I was in a manic blackout, I called my doctor for an appointment as it was an emergency. The receptionist called back saying doc was out of the office until Friday, the 5th so I made an appointment for 10am that day before my 3:30pm barista training shift. So in the meantime, lots of hydroxyzine and lithium for me to hopefully stabilize my moods before Friday, but that is looking less likely. I am sleeping which is good but not for long periods of time, no more than four hours at a time.

Today I woke up at 3:56am and it is now 10:20pm and I have only closed my eyes for about an hour around 5pm. Today I had bloodwork done right at Labcorp opening in hopes that my results will be ready by Friday morning. I had outpatient treatment, my women’s group from 9-11am. Then AA from 12-1pm. Picked up Kyle from work at 1:30pm. Grabbed lunch from Jimmy John’s. Then went to his house to grab his belongings to spend the night and he showered. Then he drove us to my house. We took a short nap and then I got the pork carnitas out of the crockpot but due to the cut of meat, it came out kind of dry but still had good flavor. Kyle made a pork carnitas quesadilla which looked really good but I had just gotten the mail and some bad news so I was too upset to eat.

I got a letter from the court and I thought maybe it was a jury summons but no. It was a court date summons for me as the defendant in my pretrial diversion agreement as the clerk filed a motion to revoke on my case on March 29th. Which is interesting because I kind of already knew this would happen. Treatment said I was out of compliance in the month of February because I had missed to treatment classes back to back and did not attend enough sober support meetings during the month. So legally they had an obligation to file that noncompliance with the court which I totally get, I refuse the interject justice. But after I rectified the situation with a doctor’s note from my surgery and I resent my court slips to my counselor which did indeed have enough support groups on there, she said she would talk to my lawyer personally and would also say that I am in compliance.

I sent this email and talked to my counselor probably a week before the motion to revoke was filed so she had copious amounts of time to discuss this with the courts and my lawyer. However, I got the letter in the mail that my court date is May 14 at 10:30am. Which means treatment did absolutely nothing. They are so quick to throw you under the bus, but won’t help save you after they pushed you there? That’s messed up. And of course my attorney had said if I got any motion to revoke on my case there would be an additional $500 fee assessed to represent me. So the plan is to go into treatment tomorrow and have a stern talk with my counselor and call my lawyer for next steps. If I have to, I will borrow money in order to get the legal representation I need but I hope it can be fixed without me going to court again.

It’s all in God’s hands. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason that may be blind us all while God has an aerial view of the whole world up from Heaven and sees the other moving parts to our sometimes pain and suffering. I think ‘balance’ is a good word for me this year because God is showing me the benefits and the disadvantages of doing too much too soon and not enough, too little, too late.

I have finally balanced my life a little bit because I have a job, I am going to school, I make decent money, and I have a stable home life and relationship because I am sober and have been since mid August 2023. Before this job, I was burning myself out and then I quit and did nothing for 1.5 months. which is great and all but I need balance to rotate my needs and wants around.

that’s it for me…

Dani