I’ve been experiencing many highs and lows since I had a family member pass on the 23rd of this month. It doesn’t help that the anniversary of my nana passing is on the 31st of this month either, but it does help a little that her death anniversary was the ninth anniversary; but it never gets much easier no matter how long ago someone passes.

I am sitting on Kyle’s couch with some apple spice cinnamon herbal tea from Tazo, my vape, and my good ole MacBook Pro and I am listening to Kyle lightly snore the night away. Well, it’s 4:14am so it’s not night and I am so used to him waking me up around this time because he usually starts work at 5am but today is his day off.

I have my over ear headphones covering one ear and the other off the ear so I can hear for when he wakes up. I just took my morning meds so I am up for at least the next hour or so. I have outpatient treatment class this morning from 9-11am which is nice since I only go twice a week for two hour session rather than three times a week for three hours each time.

The nice thing about this passing (not that I wish that on anybody), is that I don’t have to choose to drink or smoke over it anymore. Before treatment, I would cope by smoking weed and drinking booze but if I so choose to, I never have to go back to that lifestyle ever again. Someone told me in AA the other day that I was going to “make it” and in my opinion, that is the nicest thing someone else can say about your recovery; that you will succeed, that someone believes in me.

I don’t always believe in myself in my own recovery; that I will make it. I have been doing the damn thing, going to treatment and AA but part of me thinks this is all a farce. Not so much AA and sobriety as a whole but my own sobriety. It’s not but I’m worried my subconscious mind thinks so and I’ll justify using again once this is “all over.”

But that is the thing: addiction doesn’t just die off; this disease is doing push ups out in the driveway or parking lot right now waiting for me to fuck up and give in. And frankly, I do not like giving anyone any satisfaction without my permission so I’m out here trying to prove a deadly disease wrong like it can’t kill me. But the catch is that I have to be sober for this disease not to kill me. I may not want that, but that’s what I have to do. I can’t dwell on the forever but I can dwell on the one moment at a time because that’s all I know I have.

My emotional well being could be much better but I suppose it’s par with the course. I can’t sleep or eat much. I am emotionally labile. I feel invalidated like I shouldn’t feel the way I feel because I wasn’t with him in the end, but I offered my help to my aunt so I could say my good byes but she turned me away; that’s not on me. That’s hard. To be turned away by family even when you’re doing all the right thing. I don’t think it was meant personally as my aunt was just grieving over the loss of her husband, but she knew how close he and I were and I feel like she put her needs above his or mine in that regard.

But I digress, it really doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done.

I am gonna head back asleep since it isn’t even 5am yet…

much love,

Dani