*Trigger WARNING ALERT*

*TOPICS SUCH AS SUICIDE AND MENTAL HEALTH WILL BE DISCUSSED*

*This is meant to be informative as to my own personal experience with depression; not everyone goes through these experiences and/or emotions. You have been notified; please enjoy.*

Okay enough with the disclosures. I want to say depression is as easy as being just plain sad for more days out of a single month than not. But boy if I said that, I would be doing a great disservice to all my readers and anyone who has ever had depression as well as their loved ones.

Now mind you, this is just my own experience. Everyone is different. But in my humble opinion, depression feels like falling off a cliff and you slam into the rock siding of said cliff and you’re hanging on for dear life on that little edge piece. It’s a wonder that anyone is still alive considering this is a hundred plus foot drop. And maybe the fall might not kill ya, but the ramifications and situation certainly will.

Those who have mental illness are incredibly resilient. I say that about every individual whether you mask your issues and go to work everyday and act like everything is fine, even when it isn’t, and to the person who physically and mentally was incapable of getting out of bed today. Whether you take meds to help cope with the pain or not, I salute you.

These illnesses are incredibly debilitating from the lowest of lows to the manic highs and everything in-between. But you didn’t click on this title to hear about my mania, you probably clicked on the post because you or someone you love suffers from depression.

For me, depression is synonymous with apathy. I don’t care if I live or die. I don’t care if I’m employed or not. I don’t care if I’m happy or sad. I don’t care if I eat or sleep or breathe. I just don’t and that’s the plain honest truth. When I quit my last job most recently, I was taking up to six hydroxyzine pills a day for anxiety to cope with a single day’s shift at my job. I told my doctor this and she essentially said she was happy I was sober off drugs and alcohol, no longer taking Xanax and I had to do what I had to do in order to survive. She was apathetic to my over usage of this pill that is equivalent to a prescription Benadryl. My body was so used to the stuff that I no longer felt more exhausted than normal. The depression is so draining that it is a wonder that anyone ever gets out of bed. And then dealing with the BS of the day at work or school or family or friends or whatever your journey leads you to…. is never ending.

This shit would make anyone want to plunk themselves. I’m sorry; that sounds insensitive. I cope with uncomfortable topics such as suicidal ideation by making some off color jokes about it. It’s not that I don’t find validity in these topics, I’ve nearly committed suicide twice in my life with two near drowning attempts. This topic hits so close to home for me and I am so empathetic toward all other folks that I couldn’t fathom someone else feeling as poorly as I do or have felt.

With that being said, I cope using humor and off color humor because it hurts me that someone could hurt so badly that they commit suicide or attempt. The one reason I’m alive is the fact that I Never wanted to hurt the people who love me or that I love as badly or worse than I would ever feel in that exact moment. And you know what? Those moments do pass, which sounds cliche I know. But thoughts and moments are temporary; you are not as temporary.

I feel like I was going somewhere with this. But then again, it’s getting late and I’m getting sleepy. Sorry it’s the depression.

Depression feels like falling in a dream and not being able to wake up and sometimes in your dream you wake up alive and sometimes those dreams turn to terrors and you end up dead or worse. Sometimes you have someone near by wake you from said dream and bring you to the truth; that it all wasn’t real. They help calm you down, you utilize coping mechanisms; you talk about the dream and your feelings and you sit with your feelings and then move on. Sometimes no one is there to wake you from those terrors and you’re left to your own devices.

Some people use drugs, alcohol, caffeine, pornography, shopping, gambling, sex, etc. to cope with the pain of feeling like you can’t escape reality. It’s an awful feeling and addiction is more common with those suffering with mental illness as cross addiction is also very possible (consuming/doing 2+ addiction items at once).

Depression and addiction can lead you down an even darker path than just one or the other. I know this from personal experiences. I am a poly substance user; some people are polyglots (knowing 3+ languages). But my trifecta was weed, alcohol, and gambling.

I can’t say that in my seven months of sobriety that my depression has gotten much better but it sure as hell hasn’t gotten any worse that’s for sure.

Write me about your experience with depression or mental health issues in the comments or email me at theprecariousaquarius@gmail.com

Thanks for reading.

Dani