As the title reads, I have had the above revelation. Not that it means much to some, but revelations make me feel like I am on the inside of a lifelong joke or inside story, rather than being the butt of the joke aka the laughing stock.

All I know is that I have been off work for almost a month and still no job. Have I been diligent in interviews and applying to different work? Absolutely. But for this time off I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I mean, I am better rested and not having a nervous breakdown anymore, but I might legitimately have a new mental breakdown if I am not employed soon… my good looks doesn’t put dollars into my bank account and without a degree, I simply cannot get the jobs that I need and want to get.

I am four classes shy of an Associates of the Arts – Direct Transfer Agreement degree, which means it transfers to a four year university or college.

My idea at the moment is applying to Starbucks because they pay for a bachelor’s degree and I could get my degree in forensic psychology online through Arizona State University’s online program that has a deal with Starbucks to pay for their employee’s education. I applied for a supervisor position and although I have no barista experience, I do have some supervisory experience and worst comes to worst, I apply at the bottom and work my way up.

I have been rigorously applying to grants and scholarships this week so I can complete my final quarter of college this spring and by early June, I would ideally have an AA degree and start my bachelor’s program come Fall 2024. My boyfriend, Kyle has graciously offered to pay the first half of the payment plan so I can continue my schooling if I can’t find funding in time. As much as I love him and love that he wants to support my dreams, 2k is a lot of money and even if he only forks up 650$ of the first installment of the interest free payment plan; I just don’t want to feel indebted to anyone especially a significant other. We aren’t married nor engaged. Although we do plan on that someday in the future, as far as I am concerned, our finances are separate until we are joined in a marital union.

$2,190.70

That’s what It would cost for me to graduate. It’s both so far, yet so close.

It would mean so much to my family; it took eight f—ing years, but I will have done it.

Me, a degree, and $2,190.70; that’s all that separates me and the degree is that exact number.

I don’t want to fail; that is another major concern but more than that is I might be too afraid if I succeed as well. But life is too short to live with regrets. I am unsure of my path but I am praying to God for guidance if this is “meant to be”.

I have court tomorrow to reduce my first DUI charge from 2021 to a negligent driving in the first degree. I should go to sleep but I can’t despite the 100mg of hydroxyzine I took ( four times my normal dose). I know logically I am drained and emotionally tired from the stressors I caused in my life… people keep reaching out to me, but honestly I just want to be left alone. I know I’m not being a good friend to those people but I just don’t have the energy for it.

I’m being selfish with my time because I need that in my life and I shouldn’t have to apologize for it in order to obtain a goal. But as an empath, I do feel guilty. Maybe that also stems from my issue with codependency with other people (friends, family) in my life.

On that note, I am going to attempt to sleep.

Goodnight, world.

Love,

Dani