Real talk, y’all. None of that wussy shit. If you’re in search of a happy post, this ain’t it. Sorry not sorry.

My depression and anxiety has been at an all time lowest point. I wouldn’t say that I was acutely suicidal but the feeling of not wanting to live was definitely there. I have been under staffed, under paid, and over worked at my job for quite some time now. I work in a very acute and dangerous setting so if there is a full unit and not enough staff, clients are more likely to elope (escape) and the risk for violence is much higher. And of course management does nothing about the call outs and recent firings so we’re just fucked and over worked and without breaks and lunches because the supervisors were unwilling to cover them.

With that being said, I walked out on Monday afternoon, one hour fifty minutes into my ten hour day. I was struggling with my anxiety so I tripled my normal dose that should last eight whole hours of hydroxyzine which is an anti anxiety medication and it didn’t even phase me. My heart was beating out of my chest and I was clammy and so on edge because everyone else was who was working the unit. I talked to Kyle on my break and ended up going straight to HR to turn in my badge and keys. I told the receptionist I was there to turn in my badge and keys and all she responds with was ” ‘Kay.” That is it. So dismissive. So final. So not what I wanted to hear considering I started with this company almost six years ago and that’s all I deserve?

I get walking out was not the right choice but I didn’t feel safe and I’m allowed to make that call for myself and if I don’t feel safe, I’m not willing to put my life on the line for $21.95 an hour; it just ain’t worth it.

In other news, I had a phone interview today and it went so well that I will get an in person interview on Monday the 26th at 1:30pm. At this job, they prioritize work/life balance and I would have normal people hours instead of working til nearly midnight every night. I would be an employment consultant for developmentally disabled adults. A job totally in my wheelhouse and I could occasionally work from home in addition to make more money per hour.

I wish I could say that my anxiety has improved since not working but the whole insurance and paying my bills thing is coming to haunt me… I get paid on Friday and get my tax return tomorrow (hopefully) but I gotta start working and get paid at the very least by the middle of March or else I’ll run into some financial issues which I can’t face.

I think that’s it for major changes in my life. I’ll be okay but sometimes it’s okay to not be okay…

much love,

Dani