I never used to like affirmations because I felt like I was lying to myself when I said them because I got the low self esteem in addition to my depression and bipolar disorder.

This year, instead of resolutions, I used “focus words” to well, focus on and bring positivity to my life which I guess is a type of affirmation, minus the “I AM” part.

My focus words for this year were: patience, empathy, passion, reason, relationships, content, surrender, rejoice, and abundance. The latter half of the list I added on as the year progressed and needed to be added to my list. This week I added a few true affirmations to put along side my focus words which I document all of them in my daily planner. The affirmations were “I am capable.” “I am beautiful.” “I am healthy.” and “I am deserving of happiness.”

All are true of course, but the depression and sad and small feelings I face quite often don’t allow me to live my best life. I wanted to reflect on the past couple of weeks since my last post and relate to how I’ve embodied my focus words and affirmations.

I went to my sleep apnea doctor (finally) that was across the Puget Sound from me. It was a pre pre surgery consult to see if I was even eligible for the sleep apnea surgery since I couldn’t tolerate a cpap machine like most people do and I have severe, obstructive sleep apnea. The doctor explained that this is a super long process because before surgery, I need a pre surgical procedure of an endoscopy to see how my throat closes on itself when I fall asleep. Depending on how that goes, I may or may not be able to have the Inspire implant put into my body. But if I was a good candidate, the surgery would take up to 12 days to recover from. There would be an incision made around my jawline and in my upper chest to place the device. But in order for insurance to authorize surgery my body mass index needed to be under 32 and mine was just above 35 and before they’d put me on an operating table, I’d have to lose 25 pounds.

To say I was devastated and defeated was an understatement. I went and grabbed a bag of Dick’s after the appointment (Washingtonians will get this joke; Dick’s is a cheap fast food chain in the Seattle Area). Then I went home. Last Saturday, I was at the grocery check out line when my phone rang so I answered it and the person said they were the doctor I just saw two days prior. I’m thinking to myself ‘why the fuck are you talking to me with your lack of bedside manner and no class mother fucker, you cannot help me clearly.’ However he apologized for how disappointed I was and said he made a point to get ahold of the Inspire representatives about the requirements of surgery and they told him that my BMI would have to be under 40, and not under 32 so he said he would have his front desk folks schedule my endoscopy and surgery within the next couple of months after the new year. I was thrilled I was almost crying so happy in the check out line.

I have yet to hear back from them but considering it is the week before Christmas, I’d let it slide as many doctors’ offices are on vacation from now through the beginning of the new year. The doctor also mentioned I could get his surgery done probably before the end of February and that’s cool and all but I have virtually no vacation time, so I gotta build up 80 hours of PTO before surgery so it might be a while before I can do all this crap. I mean, I’m used to my lack of sleep but it’s still hard to deal with so the sooner I can get the procedure done, the better.

Work has been going well, I’m in the slow process of becoming team lead on my shift which is neat because I get to re-learn all the office stuff. I know some of it already from me being an old team lead back in the day, but some things have changed since I was a team lead last.

I’ve hit four months of sobriety on December 17th, so good on me. Very excited about that. My hard work is paying off ten fold. My family is starting to trust me again, I bought my car a little over a month ago, and I’m in a healthy and thriving relationship with my *wait for it* BOYFRIEND. Yes that’s right. Let that sink in. Oh my goodness, y’all. He’s too good for me…

So about him, his name is Kyle, he is a fresh cut lead at a grocery store and helps out with his churches’ young men’s group every Wednesday even. We have a lot in common such as our love for the Seattle Mariners and other Seattle / PNW sports teams, we love karaoke, we love to cook, we both like video games, both have various medical/mental health conditions. He’s 6’3″ tall and has brown swoop hair and glasses. Our relationship is Christ centered with the intention of (eventually) getting married, etc, etc. We have similar values and he’s extremely empathetic and kind and caring and sweet. He went with me to my doctor’s appointment because he was on vacation the first week we got together and oh man, he treasures me and I him.

I got him and I matching Mariner jerseys for Christmas and he got me as well as his family Christmas jammies of my choice and a coffee mug. He’s also very frugal and loves Dave Ramsey and budgeting just like I do. He takes care of his grandparents and lives in the bottom floor of their house which is basically its own apartment. He’s very endearing and I’m quite fond of him. I think I will see him after work on Sunday night (Christmas Eve) to get my prezzies. He has Christmas Day off but I work both Christmas Eve and day as well as New Year’s Eve and day. I hope I can see him before I go to work on Christmas Day after I open presents with my family. I got everyone two presents each but I spent the most on Kyle, lol, go figure. Got my mom some boujee lipstick that she likes, dad is getting a new wallet and slippers. I got my best friend a Snoop Dogg cook book and I got Diego the same Snoop cookbook which looks hilarious and the only reason I got Diego something was because he and I planned to exchange gifts before I met Kyle and so here we are. Diego bought me light up shoes because I high key wanted them. LOL.

Dad said he got me nothing for Christmas but he says this every year but I told him if I don’t get a card with a Monopoly “get outta jail free” card, it won’t be a good day. My dad laughed so hard when I said that so now he might steal my idea. Mom gave me money to buy what I wanted off Amazon so I got new sheets and a new comforter which I’m quite excited about. My sister might read this so I can’t disclose what I got her and her husband nor do I have any idea what they might have got me. But surprise…. yay…. I can’t stand surprises, I am far too impatient.

Today was a decent day. I’m a bit agitated because I can’t sleep and tomorrow is my parents’ anniversary (36 years married) and I wanted to get up early to see them before work. Plus I have pork carnitas in the crockpot for my work’s holiday pot luck so I need to go in early to make sure everything is set up since I get there at the beginning of lunches for day shift so I want to make sure my tacos are hot and ready. I chopped up some cilantro, limes, yellow onions, and Roma tomatoes and put them in to go containers. The mini street taco corn tortillas are stored away and fresh. I bought spicy guacamole and medium red salsa for folks to use and I think my pork shoulder with bone in was pretty hefty so I soaked that in orange juice and lime juice and put on low starting at 11pm so it should be ready by 11AM when I leave for work for my 12:30pm shift. I think getting there by 11:50am will give me enough time to set up the crockpot in the office along with the fixings.

I finished all the wrapping of the presents for family, all 21 of my Christmas cards to my coworkers, friends, boyfriend, family, and AA sponsor. I did my skin care routine because my face has been breaking out so bad these past few weeks and I hate it. But I think it’s because I got my IUD removed and I started back on birth control pills so my body is getting used to the hormones because my IUD was copper and had no added hormones but it was super painful so I had to get it out. No regrets there. But my skin looks God awful and I hate it. I look 16 rather than almost 26. So I did my med box and reordered some medication. Did some light cleaning. Showered and shaved my legs. Today was definitely a self care day. Just pissed now I can’t sleep even though I want to go to bed since I gotta be up earlier than normal.

Well, guess I’ll log off for now. Got some other things I need to take care of while awake.

Much love,

Dani