These past two weeks have been a whirlwind of not events, but of emotions. I had been talking to this guy from Facebook Dating for over a month and he had been blowing me off to hang out and we finally hung out today and it was fine, we both enjoyed ourselves. But I already know my feelings of affection are much stronger than his are for me. We kinda discussed it, he wants to be friends and get to know each other more. We planned to hang out next week but I am just frustrated because when is somebody finally gonna care about me the way I care for them?

Maybe that’s the empath in me; I care a lot, maybe even too much. I am frustrated because I want to be loved and cuddled and feel the affections with someone who feels the same as I do. I feel like that shouldn’t be too much to ask for but apparently it is because I have yet to find it. I mean, there’s a chance of this all panning out but that takes time and I am impatient. LOL. Story of my life. He’s nice, funny, kind, has a good job, holds doors open and paid for the dinner which was kind and didn’t have to do. He is recently divorced so I get he doesn’t want to rush anything but we talk legitimately every single day whenever we get the chance. I feel defeated even though I shouldn’t. I communicated my feelings with him and he doesn’t get mad at my bipolar feelings even when I am obviously being irrational. Which that is nice…. what’s not to like about this guy?

I had to do another drug and alcohol assessment at a different facility on Thursday because the first facility’s treatment plan for me didn’t coincide with my work schedule and how going to a different place would change their treatment schedule was beyond me unless they suddenly recommend no treatment based on my UA… which I guess is possible because there is no drugs or alcohol in my system since I am over seventy days clean of drugs and alcohol. But the likelihood of me not getting ANY kind of treatment recommendation after two DUIs in two years is slim to none. But most of these treatment classes are 5-8pm or 9am-noon which doesn’t work with my work schedule and I just got my work schedule adjusted and know I couldn’t temporarily adjust my schedule in order to go to treatment courses because there are no openings in my unit for other shifts. I love my job and cannot lose it. Because then I couldn’t pay for any of this shit.

If I had a vehicle to drive then things might be a little different… I could attend the 9am-noon meetings 2-3 days a week and then work 12:30-11pm and work either 10’s or 12’s on the other days I don’t have treatment. But I’m still riding with my parents in the meantime because my dad wants me to buy a car outright and when I told him the last time I did that my transmission blew in the first nine months of me owning the car. But he said it just has to last til I get the ignition interlock device out of my car. But my thought is this: my lawyer might be able to drop some of the charges if not all of them because of the facts of the case; I blew a 0.03 BAC which is wayyyyyy below the legal limit in the state of Washington, I got a letter from my doctor to the courts saying that I was taking prescribed medication and they have now been reduced. I did all the shit the courts asked of me. I wouldn’t have wrecked if I hadn’t taken my hydroxyzine for anxiety it wasn’t a drunk driving error, it was a medication error. Even the SUDP at the second treatment place was shocked and was like why are you even here for that. She didn’t believe me when I told her my BAC levels and I told her to read the police report and she muttered “holy shit” under her breath but I know with two charges in two years they have to do some sort of treatment to reduce recidivism.

So if my case is dismissed or some of the requirements for me to drive are dropped, i.e. breathalyzer in the car, I can more easily purchase a car and actually test drive it. Surprisingly enough my license is still current and not suspended. But then again, on Monday the 30th I have administrative hearing to decide if I should earn my back pay on unemployment. Basically with that, unemployment said I left my last job without a legitimate job offer to another facility and so I needlessly quit the first job and that’s why I shouldn’t earn ESD benefits. But I WAS offered a legitimate job offer rate of pay was discussed and agreed upon and I had a start date but the Friday before I was to start my management position, she rescinded my job offer and I tried to apply back at my old job and they outright said no good luck. So I missed out on about $4,000 after taxes of unemployment over semantics. But on Monday afternoon, I will have an answer to that and will (hopefully) be $4,000 richer. And if that’s the case, that’s a good down payment on a vehicle so I pray to Jesus that I will get that money.

Then on November 13th I will have my pre trial for DUI court and hopefully all will be resolved. maybe that is wishful thinking but things have all been falling into place now that I have been sober. But one day/one step at a time.

Other than the emotional rollercoaster ive been on, things at work and at home are great. It’s jus the little things that tend to get me down.

Well that is it for me for this blog post.

Much love,

Dani