I have been awake for roughly an hour, slept for three hours broken. It’s my Friday and I should be fast asleep. But after what seems like more than a month long depression streak, I am finally getting hypo-manic yet again. It’s interesting because I am also getting sick since it’s almost the beginning of autumn and I have the worst sinus pressure, sore throat, and cough with a stuffy nose. I was even proactive enough after work last night to take severe NyQuil before I went to bed. I woke up so congested that I had to get that shit out and get some fluids down so now I am wide awake, yet I am also super achy and feel awful so it’s more of an agitated manic state; I want to sleep but physically cannot.

I have my drug and alcohol evaluation at an outpatient clinic today. It’s at 11:30am and I want to be awake for that but if I am up now, I know I will be dead tired later on this morning. I am not nervous for it because they’re gonna do whatever they’re going to do. I just pray that if I’m ordered to do outpatient classes that insurance will pay for it rather than me paying hundreds and thousands out of pocket for the program. But I think it will look good I have 35 days sober today and I will absolutely piss test clean of all substances, so I have that to look forward to.

Tomorrow I have a training for work from 1-4pm. Kinda sucks I have to go into work for such a short amount of time since I’m still getting rides to and from work and I work 45 minutes away from my house. But then again with me being sick now, I don’t want to volunteer my time to work from like 7am – 3pm to make it “worth my while (aka gas money)”. I guess I’ll take the loss and deal with it. Plus I can get some housework done between today and tomorrow morning.

Saturday I got nothing on the books. Hopefully I feel better by then since that is my only “true” day off.

It will be interesting to see me in a hypo-manic state while being car-less and not being able to go anywhere or do anything. I am really wanting to go on a purging spree and get rid of old clothes and belongings and try to sell some cool stuff I no longer use on FB Marketplace. Because hypo-mania means lack of sleep = more time on my hands to either be productive or further indulge into my AA readings. I have been reading the daily reflections and a few pages of the Big Book nearly every day for the past couple of weeks. Not gonna lie, it helps me unwind for bed and reflect on the day I had.

Being manic also kind of scares me because last time I was super manic (back in March 2023) not only did I break up with my at the time fiancé, I didn’t sleep for about five days straight and I was a danger to self and nearly ended up in the emergency room because the increased Abilify, Lithium, and adding in hydroxyzine to help me sleep didn’t take this bitch down at all.

Eventually those symptoms went away once I slept. But it takes a while to make amends to people and return to “normal”. I never returned to that relationship I was in nor did I stop taking those extra doses of meds, well, I should say the extra lithium is as needed now and I still take the doubled dose of Abilify and the hydroxyzine is as needed.

Anyways I don’t know if any of this makes any sense and I got distracted and now I don’t care to write anymore right now so I’ll publish this as is right now and hopefully someone can appreciate whatever this clusterfuck of words is. LOL.

Much love,

Dani