I was asked at work by a co worker if I would drink or smoke weed again when my court stuff dies down and this for some reason had me baffled. I may have not been a maintenance drinker to avoid withdrawals, I may have not missed work due to drinking, I may have not had obsessive thoughts around or about alcohol, and I very well may not have a drinking problem.

Dani, if you don’t have a drinking problem, why don’t you drink or smoke?

I may not have a drinking problem, but I sure as hell run into a whole lot of problems when I drink. Blowing under the limit twice within two years and being arrested both times for driving under the influence, one leading me to a drunk tank and the other leading me toward a four day jail stint and nearly losing everything and missing court with a failure to appear because I’m in the slammer for allegedly drinking the night before my first DUI charge drops down to negligent driving after having two straight years of “good behavior”. And by “good behavior” I mean I didn’t get caught doing something I shouldn’t have, not that I was sober the length of my waiting period, after probation.

In any addiction, I have learned that you must want sobriety for you and you alone when attempting to get sober. DUI #1 was not my rock bottom. Jail was for DUI #2. With that being said, when I was in jail, I had the desire to never drink again. Because I didn’t want to put myself in this situation; nearly losing my job and my home and my family. I had already lost my car and knowing my car would be called totaled because the air bags deployed in my singular car collision. I could have held a lot of resentments around what got me to drink that first drink that day. But I chose not to because none of those resentments included accountability for my own actions.

In jail, I prayed a lot and worked on a plan to get my family back. I would dump my miniature at home bar that was filled with one fifth of Mexican Tequila (from Mexico), one fifth of Woodford Reserve Bourbon, one half empty bottle of sparkling wine, and half a dozen cans of malt liquor. Maybe having two barely touched bottles of hard liquor proved to someone that I am not an alcoholic but that was no longer relevant. I possessed the alcohol and it had. to. go. now.

Next, I went to two meetings a week for going on five weeks. I get my court slip signed each visit by the chairperson of that particular meeting. Sure, I only got a nudge from the judge to refrain from all drugs and alcohol, the court slip is just extra icing on the cake. I wanted to prove to the judge or whomever, that I am taking this stuff seriously and by the end of this week, I will have had my alcohol and drug evaluation and get a treatment plan of action from a counselor. I think it might look good that I’ve already been going to several different AA meetings since my accident and maybe that might affect the treatment plan that is required of me by the agency and the courts. But then again, I had a continuance issued by the judge so my new court date is November 13th; a week before Thanksgiving.

Being now 33 days sober, I have honestly never felt more clear headed since I started doing these vices back when I was 18. I either smoked or drank at a minimum of once a week from ages 18-25. I drank no more than three times a week and amounts varied from 1-3 per day total. What scares me if I keep going at this rate, that there are more days I am drinking than not drinking or smoking and that those drinks in order to keep and maintain that mid key buzz would increase to 3-5 drinks per day. My drinking could always get worse and the more active I am in the drinking world, the more likely my troubles will spiral and my risk for yet another DUI or worse yet, collision involving young kids would get my ass sent to prison faster than you can say “inmate”.

So yeah it’s hard for me to call myself an alcoholic because I didn’t withdraw or go through detox once I quit drinking. But a few more years down the road, I could very well be that or even worse off. But today I am sober and I am thankful and grateful. I have supportive family and I am alive and I feel like I am worth fighting for.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Dani