One character trait I would say I am most or best known by is my empathy. But at the same time, my greatest character defect (according to others) is that I am selfish. And yes it is possible for me to be empathetic and selfish at the same time because that is where I am at in my life and have been for a very long time. And some of you are wondering why the hell I am just learning this now and it’s come across my mind from time to time, but I more or less had an epiphany which let me know where I am failing; some would say God spoke to my heart. But whatever you call it, I feel as though I’ve had a true change in heart.

When I was in jail I think it was the third day and I called collect to my parents and this was the first time I spoke to both of them since being booked into the jail and I said over the recorded line which at the time of consent, did not care if what I said was being listened in on…. I said I wanted to kill myself and hung up the phone and if my mom had heard what I said, she would have lost her marbles. My dad apparently cried and I found that out once I got home. In the moment, I had no plans of suicide or harming myself but thirty minutes to the second after that phone call, I’m in an office with a social worker asking if I’m violent and I give her a look like “are you for real right now?” Now mind you, I’m a 4’11” 180lbs little white girl who also can’t do a single push up or pull up so on the threatening scale, I’m a -11.

The social worker quickly replies never mind. She and I both knew the comment I made for me to show up in this empty office with her. I quickly charmed her with my social work know how considering I work in the mental health field and I knew the key words to get myself out of solitary confinement. She quickly came to the conclusion that I am somewhat “normal” or “level headed” as far as jail goes.

Anyways jail isn’t the point of this post. The point of this post is that once I found out my dad cried when I said I was suicidal made me realize that I can’t afford to keep fucking up anymore. It’s not just the financial burdens I have caused my parents that’s the problem, it’s the emotional toll that I have caused my whole family that is the issue. That and the stress I’ve caused my friends and co workers and the people in my life. I say I am selfish because I kept gambling, drinking, smoking weed, and doing all sorts of reckless things because I didn’t care about myself or others which led me to continue these toxic for me vices.

Although I am working on loving myself still, I do love the people in my life and have great empathy for what I have put them through emotionally and physically and that is enough to change my life. I went to an AA meeting today and discussed this very topic but I said it in a more disorganized way. The TL;DR (Too Long; Don’t Read) version of all this is that I need to change my life to please and satisfy others because I have been selfish and set in my ways for too long and that’s not okay because my actions have consequences and the people around me are also experiencing burdens because of me and that is definitely not okay. For example, this arrest led to my parents purchasing the service of a very expensive, but good lawyer and I will eventually pay them back but I can’t get back their time and research that they did to get this guy.

With that being said, I need to be on a self improvement kick. Just keep my nose to the grindstone and work and attend AA meetings and get my court stuff situated. In other news, my Honda Pilot has officially been deemed “totaled” by the insurance company and my car evaluated for a lot more than I thought I would get for it. I must turn in my GAP paperwork so I can use the insurance money to buy a car outright and use the GAP insurance to pay off the HONDA loan. If this works, I will have a better car and no car payment which I haven’t had the pleasure of having in many years.

Things have been falling into place beautifully since I have been out of jail. I still have my job and today was my only day off because the last three days I worked to make up for lost time. My regular work week starts tomorrow. I went to a concert at the county fair for my mom because my dad was out of town. I hated it but put on a brave face and drank my Red Bull spritzer and ate my corn dogs so she could enjoy it. We left early since I still have work tomorrow. Today I went to AA at noon and it was good. I”m borrowing a big book from my mom to read so I’ll try to read a couple pages each day and stay out of trouble. I am nine days sober. I keep my 24 hour sober coin in the front of my wallet where my driver’s license is because if I were for some reason needed to pull out my ID, then there is my coin covering it like it’s a sign from God that I shouldn’t be showing someone my ID to drink (because that’s really the only reason I would get carded). I thought it was smart at least, I don’t know now though it sounds almost silly.

That’s it for me this post.

Much love,

Dani