I’ve dreaded writing this post along with welcoming this past week with open arms and being humble and expressing humility; as well as giving myself grace and compassion along with all the other emotions I have faced and will face.

To preface all of this, I am fine. Nobody is hurt physically. Nobody died in this incident.

Thursday night of August 17th I was in a major car accident. The vehicle is deemed as a total loss by the claims adjuster because the air bags deployed on both sides of the vehicle. No one else was in my car and no other vehicles were involved, thank and praise Jesus. I’m not really at liberty to say much more except for the fact that I was arrested and placed in jail with no bail amount set from that Friday around midnight until my court date on Monday at 1:30pm. I was free to go after court got over with, but was not released with my items until about 7pm Monday night.

I told myself after my first arrest which followed suit much like this one that I would never go to jail again even though all I saw was the inside of a holding cell that first time. I swore two years ago that I would change. And my problem is that exactly; I, I, I, me, me, me. I can’t get no satisfaction playing hard and fast and all that is to me is waiting to get in trouble even when I am not completely at fault for my accident; well both accidents.

The ironic thing was that my last court date for my last incident was 9am Friday morning and I had to not go on Zoom across the hall because I was serving time. I think a lot of me has spent time in denial because I don’t think I have a drinking problem and damn, I’m damned if I do got one. I didn’t want to end up kid failure wracking up arrests like it’s impressive because it’s not cool. The look Is old and I’m looking at this pompous ass staring back at me in the mirror; thinking she’s invincible and not susceptible to any of life’s afflictions.

Boy, was I wrong…

I got my ass fucking handed to me. Both air bags deployed and I shoved the door open to get out of the vehicle and now mind you, I drove a newer Honda Pilot so it had all the safety features and it was a big girl. I kept getting told if I was driving any smaller of a vehicle my ass would be dead; how’s that for sobering. Every muscle in my body hurts and it has just been a week. Which is to be expected; got medical clearance from the ED and off to jail I went.

The whole jail thing was traumatizing within itself but to be severely mentally ill and kept captive is a whole new playground of delusions and paranoia for me. I was convinced the water was contaminated. They supposedly gave me lithium, omeproazole, prozac, and Abilify. But they were actively giving me different doses at different times of day and I would get yelled at if I questioned the RN’s authority from another deputy. It wasn’t even that I questioned their authority I questioned what they were giving me because I slept round the clock.

I lost ten pounds from this stint in the slammer because I either slept through meals or nibbled at what little food looked actually edible. So I virtually ate nothing for four days straight. It’s kind of funny in the sense that I learned my jail etiquette from the show, “Orange is the New Black”. I misspoke and basically blurted out that I needed to get the fuck outta there and the main gal postures to me and says “We ain’t good enough for you?!” and I quickly exclaim, “No, no it’s not that your hospitality has been impeccable here, just….” and they all bust up laughing.

Another joke I made and was lost on one of the inmates was when my snoring became too much for my roommate and she complained to the deputy about it, I spout back, “This isn’t the Hilton hotel, this is fucking jail; get over it.” I thought it was hilarious as well as being true.

But in all seriousness, I am still shaken up from this incident. I had my second shift back at work this week and I’m thankfully not fired from my work since I’m making up for lost time on my days off. I might have a concussion though because I kept getting nauseous and my ears ring and I feel almost hungover and dissociate when I stand for long periods and I left a little early from work yesterday because of this. I felt this same way today at work but I powered through and I am trying to just do my job and not lose it because out of everything in my life that I physically have, my job is one of the few good things that I got going on.

This is not my year… broke off my engagement, had to replace a vehicle due to a blown engine, had to file bankruptcy, lost my job, was unemployed for two months, and now I have two court cases going on; both with permanent and long lasting effects.

As much as I slept in jail (which was a lot), I prayed more than that and just sat with Jesus. I didn’t know his plan, I didn’t know my parents had hired a lawyer on my behalf, I didn’t know that my mother was going to speak at my arraignment and that was most likely the ticket that got me out of jail with a bail set to ZERO. God knew what needed to happen and I just leaned into the fall.

I felt my relationship with Christ become restored and obviously it is never complete or finished because a relationship with anybody is patient and kind and can extend through time and it ebbs and flows over mountains and plateaus; it is vast and fierce. I felt something finally change inside of me. This was my rock bottom. I am not the same person I was a week ago. It sounds silly and cliche but I asked Jesus to change my ways; to change my spirit and He came through. Christ saved me again. I said over the phone to my mother while in jail that I was going to kill myself. Thirty minutes to the second after I ended the phone call, a social worker came and talked to me. I made my dad cry when he heard me say that though and for that, I am forever sorry. But God utilized the people in my surroundings and the tools we had possessed to make me come see the other side. He ain’t done with me yet.

I feel overwhelmed yet calm all at the same time. Today was a good day at work. I dyed my hair back to my natural color, did my skin routine, brushed and flossed my teeth, took a shower, and now I am writing. I want to be more intentional with my words and what I write on here but that will come with time. Laundry is done and I spent some time with my mom.

I feel like I was going to say something profound and now I got nothing. Yay brain fog….

Seven days sober, one day, one hour, one minute, and one second at a time.

Much love and just remember to love on another person because life on Earth is finite.

Dani