It’s my Sunday (and yes I realize it’s only Saturday evening) but I start my work week on Sundays, therefore Saturdays are my end of weekend if that makes any sense. I remember being super articulate in this blog at the beginning nearly four years ago and a lot of my layers have been revealed and as y’all have come to know me, I’m a hot mess. And my writing reflects that. I literally have my personal journal on the internet for all to read. I think I have gotten better at not writing so much incriminating shit on my behalf and on behalf of others in my life. Except for my exes…. call me Taylor Swift #2; always hating on my exes to the public. But I digress.

I got home around 1pm today after spending the night at my guy’s house. And now I know what you may be thinking that I have a rebound rate similar to that of a professional basketball player and to that I would say you’re not even wrong. We have been on three dates this week alone and spend a lot of time texting each other. He appears to be very fond of me and I am of him as well.

He loves the Lord. He’s very respectful and kind and genuine. Older, much older than I am. He doesn’t want more kids (He has two teens), and neither do I (well, I don’t have kids nor want any of my own). He’s got a lot going for him and he sees something in me that I don’t necessarily see in myself and it’s a breath of fresh air. I told him last night in the wee hours of the morning that a lot of my past has to deal with me not caring at all about myself; it’s why my gambling addiction got as bad as it did, the sleeping around, the infidelity toward my first ex fiancé, the ruthless and reckless spending problem I had. I didn’t give a shit if I lived or died and I didn’t think I’d live to see nearly 26 years old. It sounds almost cliche to say that it’s almost like he recognizes those are the trials and tribulations I’ve dealt with, but he sees the real me? Maybe I’m reading too much into this and I gave him my blog URL so he can read this if he wants and maybe if he does read it he willl either a) agree or b) laugh. Y’all know how impatient I am when it comes to relationships and in general but this feels different. I can’t vouch for him but I would reckon he feels similar. And if he doesn’t, he can dump me after I post this lol.

To say I want to live to see this through sounds ridiculous and immature but to say that a piece of my heart has been missing for a long time, even before ex fiancé’s 1 and 2, is an understatement. And to further say that I feel less broken when I hang out with this man is truthful. Maybe that’s God’s light shining through him or just the affect he has on me, that I don’t know. But to have a man lead us in prayer before we ate cheeseburgers at 4am was intimate and special. Even if he burnt the bacon 😉 (a little inside joke there).

Back to trials and tribulations. I spoke with an attorney for a half hour on Tuesday evening after I left work early to deal with bankruptcy stuff because Steven kept blowing up my phone saying my bankruptcy would affect his security clearance since financials shared with a spouse and are in his name (both of our vehicles) could potentially affect his clearance. Then he mansplained (man explanation) of how bankruptcy works and how I’m trying to fuck him over.

I kept trying to keep my cool at work and I was just not having it so I aired my dirty laundry to two of my supervisors on shift and got my seven hours of personal leave on my paycheck so I could dip out and figure out some shit. Luckily I stopped responding to Steven until I heard back from the attorney and I was able to see what we should do about the vehicles before filing bankruptcy, which we found out was nothing because selling assets before this shit gets filed looks shady to the courts. It’s gonna cost a $1200 retainer and a $338 filing fee. Dad and I today decided by the end of August, we both can pitch in that amount, I will pay $1,000.00 and he can try to cash flow the rest. I just want to get this shit behind me but I have a long task list to complete before filing so it might take two weeks to get all the paperwork ready.

I haven’t gambled in nearly two months so good for me I guess haha. I don’t really miss it for the most part. I don’t resent the gambling establishments but it’s just not a place for me to be. It’s not where God wants me to be. I am trying to rebuild my relationship with Christ and now having a partner who is a firm believer it will help that progress or so I hope.

I have court for my DUI on the 18th which should be a pretrial diversion agreement which should take my probation of 2+ years and holding the charge of DUI on my record, it should drop down to a negligent driving as long as everything goes smoothly. I don’t know if I’ll have to pay more fines and fees with this newer and lesser charge but that will be determined Friday.

All I can do is send my burdens that weigh me down and put it on the Lord’s shoulders because if I am bogged down with much more stress in my life, I am going to lose it. It’s hard enough dragging my depressed butt to work four days a week and that is emotionally tolling within itself. Then I got two pending cases going on and a credit score that’s falling big time and debt keeps piling high over me. All I can do is hoard as much cash as I can and pray for the best. All that stuff is a burden to a normal person let alone a bipolar person. So all I can do in that regard is take the meds and go to my med follow up in a month and maybe. get some bloodwork prior to that because I’m pumped full with lithium and it might be good to see if im not pre – pre – diabetic.

Oh in other news! It is probably stress related but I’ve lost thirty pounds in a matter of three months! I went from 201lbs to 171lbs. I am very happy about that.

Okay I’m done. For now lol

much love,

Dani