I’ve been MIA the last week or so due to my intense work schedule. I was able to start work last Tuesday because they didn’t make me go back through orientation for a third time with this company and instead I spent Tuesday in someone’s office with a laptop doing online trainings. I got everything up to date since I left on medical leave two years ago. I just have to go back in to HR to turn in copies of my food handler’s card and my CPR certification which I think are both valid til sometime next year.

The latter half of the last week, I was in a physical training to protect myself against assault on the unit. The main premise is like, “Don’t die, but if a client starts assaulting you, you can’t really fight back.” Which I understand to an extent, I personally don’t want to have to get scrappy with a delusional, schizoaffective client during peak mental health crisis. But I digress…

Sunday through Wednesday of this week I worked four 10 hour shifts, from 11:30am-10pm. Honestly it was boring compared to what I’m used to there, but boring is good. Boring means no one is assaulting staff or other clients and they are getting the help that they need. Pretty much all the staff that I worked with on this unit have left minus one tech and one supervisor; everyone else has been there six months or less. Which kind of scares me for the fact that if a unit crisis were to happen, I am unsure how staff would react in a crisis situation.

I spoke with the manager of the inpatient units and asked if she had any supervisor roles available and she did in the youth inpatient unit for a graveyard shift Thursday-Saturday, but if I’m making supervisor pay and on top of that a shift differential, I’d be raking in all of the dollars each week. Plus I can always pick up another shift elsewhere and call it good. So I looked for that position online but it’s not available today so I applied to be a discharge planner. And that would be highly interesting to me and it would most likely be regular banking hours basically.

Last weekend I went with my mom to self ban from all the casinos in the county, so if I step foot on tribal property, I could get arrested for trespassing. I haven’t had the desire to gamble which is good and I mean I’m so freakin broke I couldn’t even buy scratch tickets even if I had the desire to do that (Which I don’t because scratchers always pissed me off). So I haven’t gambled at all the month of July and I want to keep that trend going because I know I will legitimately get kicked out of my family’s home if I chose to go somewhere else and gamble.

The other thing that was discussed at my family meeting last weekend is something I’ve been contemplating for a long time which is filing for bankruptcy. it’s hard for me to discuss because I associate that with failing at life. It’s not the end of the world that I file for bankruptcy at 25 years old; honestly it’s my best and really only option. Once I have all my brain dump questions together, I will schedule my free consult with a local attorney. My case is somewhat easy in the fact that I really don’t have any assets to repossess besides my car. I’ve been making payments on my car and nothing else so I am hoping I can keep it as a means of transportation and make an agreement with the bank that I will continue to make payments despite the bankruptcy. Besides that, my case is difficult because my ex fiancé co-signed on my car as I co-signed on his. So I am unsure of the process of getting each other off of each other’s loans because I don’t want to bring him into any of this if I can help it. It’s bad enough that my gambling and spending addictions got me nearly six figures in debt.

My emotions have been out of whack this week due to my period and now that I’m a little over one month in with the IUD, I am no longer in pain due to the IUD itself, but it causes super painful and excessive periods (sorry to any dudes reading this) which is annoying. What’s even more annoying is the fact that my moods have been flying around from euphoric to suicidal in a matter of moments.

I need to go back to my primary care doctor to see If I can up my lithium again and I know I’m taking the maximum amount of Abilify, which is an antipsychotic medication and I am unsure if I can up my prozac which is 40mg, which is an antidepressant. But I have Lithium 300mg as a PRN (as needed) medication that I can take once per day in addition to the 900mg I take per day. My other PRN is hydroxyzine for anxiety which I haven’t needed, but I might just start taking the extra pill of lithium each day until I can be seen in hopes that it helps.

My doctor wanted to check my hormones now that I am on this new birth control and in hopes of my hormones regulating on their own, my moods should also stabilize as my estrogen and progesterone increase because my new birth control is non hormonal and before with being on the pill, my hormones were suppressed so much I never had a period and my moods worsened. So we shall see what happens once I get blood work and see the doctor again. If I could go back on the pill and get the IUD out, I would in a heartbeat. Because the way things are going now, I’d prefer better mental health and no periods over erratic moods and heavy/longer periods.

Anyways, I’ve been busy with enjoying life and spending time with my new boyfriend when we both are not working. 🙂 I see him tomorrow (Friday) which is both of our days off. He lives about forty minutes away but we speak often on the phone or through text and yeah! He’s good people and I’ll share more when I both know more and when I get to see him again. Just don’t want to rush anything and enjoy the time we do get together.

Much love,

Dani