I seriously don’t see how people find the joy in hiking out in nature. Don’t get me wrong, the photos for my Instagram account are fire right now and I will preface this post that I completed this hell of a hike… even though it took every fiber of my being.

HOWEVER…

I went on this hike as a second date and we were in Olympic National Forest out in bum fuck Quilcene, WA I believe. It is gorgeous, I give it that, but once I look over the railing with my severe fear of heights, I didn’t know if I could do it. Going down was exhausting but not the worst part.

Once we found a quiet spot on the river, we went for a swim and now mind you, this is mountain water so it had to be no more than 40 degrees. And I’m in my skivvies lol and we didn’t bring towels because we also weren’t planning on dunking our heads in the water. But eventually it was time to go and we put our work out clothes back on and our sneakers and squeak squeak squeak up this mile long almost straight incline hill; more like a cliffside with a staircase, well more like 12 stair cases with small inclined straight aways in between said stair cases.

Once I got to the, I don’t know, ninth stair case and was fighting for my life. I was breathing super heavy, wheezing, couldn’t catch my breath. My date of course waited for me but I could tell he seemed annoyed at my lack of athletic stamina. He was talking while I was dying saying that I should be at my peak at 25 years old and I can change my lifestyle. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself and he didn’t know half the things I’ve gone through. I mean, there is truth to the words but when I’m fighting fainting on the 90 degree day without any food or water all day long and also having three leg foot and knee surgeries as well as asthma and smoking all day every day for six years means I am clearly out of shape. Well Im in the shape of a potato but that’s not really a bodily shape of desire.

Once I got to my car I literally collapsed. Took some sips of water and tried to tell the guy that he should be better about communication and he’s like well we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend and I said no no no you don’t need to be in a relationship to have decent communication and he kinda shrugs me off and my submissive side comes out because I hate confrontation and I go, “I’m sorry I don’t know what I am saying; it must be the dehydration.” He says, “I’ll text you” and we waved goodbye.

Well in case anyone wanted to know, he did text me a little later asking if I got home safe after the fact of me nearing rear ending a Tesla at a public campground. He witnessed the whole thing and I sped off because I didn’t actually hit it but the asshole Tesla driver parked less than two feet away from my back bumper. Thank God for backup cameras.

Have I peaked? Gosh I hope not. I think this is my rock bottom or certainly I hope it is my rock bottom. I’m a month clean of gambling, I have been jobless for over two months, I am in a serious amount of debt and I never thought I could go this low in the characteristics of my life. Mentally i am pretty stable all things considered but tonight I have been super depressed for no apparent reason.

I think it has to do with today being a holiday and I just have some lingering trauma from my past in association with holidays. I just wish people appreciated me for me and not to say that I don’t have friends and family who appreciate me, but I want a romantic partner to see the value in me and at 25 years old, I don’t think that’s wrong to want. Do I need another reset and get away from men for a while to focus on myself? I don’t know; I’m letting God lead the way as I *attempt* to back seat drive… Good thing He doesn’t focus on what I want, but rather on what I need.

Oh! Not to mention I left my phone ashore earlier today, but I totally submerged my Apple Watch in ice water when getting in the river so it is working now, but it’s kind of touch and go. I have the SE version so I’m not sure how much water it takes to make it go crazy but I mean I dunked my body in the water with the watch on so maybe there is hope? Maybe??

much love,

Dani