My first week at the new job did not start off as planned. Because a) I am no longer employed by them b) I am super sick, like I feel worse than I did when I had covid-19. I have an upper respiratory tract infection and I feel it went from this horrible cough to throwing up and all that, all the time to this cough and terrible tightness in my chest with wheezing and no amount of cough medicine can contain this cough, it feels like my ribs are breaking.

As for the job, I made it about a day and a half and I decided I couldn’t deal with it. No one there gave a fuck about the dementia patients and I felt like there was a lot of neglect and I am just one person and it just broke my heart. I couldn’t handle it. I think it may have gotten easier had I stuck it out but on Tuesday I was coughing so hard at work and I was so embarrassed and had to leave. It all was just getting to my mental health, the whole patient thing. It was kind of funny though, the residents were sitting in the dining room after dinner and one said to the other, “Do you have any money?” “I… I never have enough money!” And these are dementia patients so their grasp of what money is is few and far between but I found it funny at least.

Now back to the drawing board for jobs. I don’t even know what I want to do. I just need a decent paying job doing whatever at this point but I have the entitlement issue that if I am not making what I deem as “enough” I won’t put in effort into the job which is a terrible attitude to have, I know. But like this last job I got paid $18 bucks an hour to serve people, clean people, do everything for twelve whole clients by myself and that’s insane to expect someone can toilet, shower, feed, and entertain 12 whole dementia patients by themselves eight to twelve hours a day for $18/hour. Insane. I mean I realize I had it good at my last job and I regret leaving immensely but we shall see what the future holds for me.

This past week I have been sleeping on and off, losing weight because the coughing makes me too nauseous to eat, and sweating like a hooker in church. No matter how high the fan is on I can’t keep cool and am running a fever even with Tylenol. I am miserable.

So that’s why I have been MIA from Precarious Aquarius. Not depressed or manic, just sick. Physically instead of just mentally sick in the head. I feel lazy and defeated, like I am not being proactive enough on the job front. I don’t have time to waste considering the fact I have long ran out of money to support myself and my bills. I got my last paycheck from my last full time job and it just covered minor things but I am kinda shit out of luck if I don’t find something soon. I need to because I am getting desperate but if I need it to pay something similar to what I used to make otherwise I am back where I started yet again. A job is like a relationship; everyone needs or wants one, but they are hard to maintain and each side has certain standards and benefits for those standards being met or exceeded.

I gotta call unemployment on Monday because I should get some funds from them but I have received zero dollars so far which sucks because I need money. I keep applying for jobs but most jobs are too far away and most jobs I have to drive at least 30-40minutes from where I live because I live in what most people will call the “boonies”. I don’t mind the 40 minute drives just when they exceed that one way to go to a job, I’m not about that life.

I am just frustrated because it seems like one thing or another just catches up with me and I hate it and can’t escape it. Whether it be my DUI or my broken ankle from five years ago. It affects me and my work every day and it shouldn’t because neither of those things reflect the person I am today nor my work ethic but try putting that on a resume and see how far I’d get.

Anyways just a check in for you.

Much love,

Dani