It’s 2am and I am dragging ass this shift. I have been in the process of trying to get my sleep apnea machine back and I should have never gotten rid of it to begin with because despite it leaving sores all over my face, my sleep is wrecked so bad that I am not functioning much anymore. I sleep all day and all night on days off, I need at least 2 energy drinks a day and I nearly fell asleep on the road again. I think it was Sunday morning I had to stop at a park 25 minutes away from home and my parents came and picked me up and drove my car home. I was falling asleep before then too, but that was a safe place I knew I could stop and get some rest.

I am hoping to get my new cpap machine hopefully by next week because it’s not feasible for me to be so exhausted all of the time. I spent the last two days at Diego’s and it’s been nice. He made me a protein shake this morning and on Tuesday morning, I made him eggs with bacon bits. Yesterday evening we went to a local pub for their wing Wednesday and I threw up a bunch afterwards and I could hardly eat at all. Probably due to the heat and me being dehydrated.

This is my finals week. I ended sociology with a 3.3 GPA because I couldn’t complete my final which dropped my grade percentage from a 96 to an 86%. Which sucks considering my other two classes I did much worse in so my overall GPA will be shit but that’s ok. 3.3 is passing and so is a 2.0. So if I pass that’s great and I don’t, oh well better luck next quarter.

I have geology assignments due at midnight the 18th of August. I got like 3 tests, 1 final, and 1 project so if I have any shot in Hell passing this class, the time is now. I think I have a… it’s embarrassing to say but 43% in geology I have not once opened up the textbook and have played “multiple guess” for my multiple choice tests and it’s not even a good multiple guess because I keep guessing wrong and averaging 46-50% on each test. It also kinda pissed me off that there was no homework because that would at least give me an incentive to crack open the book but noooooo. Could I have had asked for homework? Yes. Did I? No.

As far as intro to drugs and alcohol, I have a 2.0 GPA right now so as long as I complete the final and last discussion board to the best of my ability due this Sunday the 21st, I will pass. I am surprisingly not as stressed as I thought I would be because each class was spaced out pretty good.

I am excited for my school break which is roughly a month long. It will allow me time to start packing and going through junk of mine to get rid of. Although I told Diego this would be a short term lease, I really hope I don’t have to move anytime soon because your girl is tired of moving but in order for my independence to take priority, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Don’t you hate when you start writing and get interrupted and you’re like, “What was I saying?”

I do!

It is stifling hot in the house I care give at and I have the front door wide open in hopes of a breeze and nothing. It’s 75 outside at now 3:47am and the a/c is not working and I don’t have an extra outlet for the fans so I am stuck sweating to death.

I am low key ready for summer to be over. I’m ready for this dreaded heat wave to be gone but at least have some 55-60 degree days with the sun out and have a slight breeze. I guess if I had to choose, I prefer fall out of all the seasons because it’s the glimpse of summer memories with the excitement of the holiday season.

I qualified for a consolidation loan at a decent interest rate compared to my credit cards so I took it and I just paid off a few cards and easy pay loans which means my monthly minimums even with this new loan payment went down nearly $100 a month MEANING I can reallocate that $100 I was paying and put it toward a debt or savings snowball. Most likely toward debt. The loan was only $3000 so it’s about a month’s pay if not a little less depending on how much I work, but my bills are paid and I feel accomplished as silly as it sounds. Trying to get my finances in order might be the very death of me. I want to say I will never gamble again and then I wouldn’t have trouble with my finances. But that isn’t true. I am bad with money, not always, but lately. I buy useless shit I don’t need and finance it on a credit card to make me feel good about myself. And it works for the two seconds that I press “submit order” but then after that, the guilt sets in and whatnot.

My credit score is going up and I am pretty sure by September, my credit will be at a decent number. Which is good because God knows I need a less shitty credit score so I can one day buy a house or get an apartment on my own. I am hoping to save two grand by the end of December which will be hard but possible as long as I continue to work overtime and I am diligent about my savings goals. I think that with that I would then be able to move out of Diego’s house and into my own place which would be very nice. Diego is only asking for $750 a month which is half of what rent would be if I was on my own. So if I shoot to save $500 a month I would reach my $2000 goal by December 10th. I think it would be smart if I prioritized savings over debt because the debt isn’t gonna stop anytime soon, however, I could lose my job in an instant and be SOL (shit outta luck) because right now I have virtually no savings.

Now that’s not to say I will lose my job because I actually enjoy this job and it brings me joy… however, losing a job is a reality for anyone at any point or if I get sick again and have no sick pay, what would I do if I got half as much for a paycheck? I’d be fucked. And no one wants that.

My mental health has been doing its damn thing lately and I think it has to do with my sleep and food schedule. I am sleeping around the clock when I am not at work and then I hardly eat at work and when I am not at work for those 12-16 hours, I maybe have one or one and a half meals in that time. I am chugging Red Bull like there’s no tomorrow and there’s only so much water I can drink on shift without me peeing every twenty minutes. Oh yeah, I have my urodynamics test in Seattle on the 31st of this month so I hopefully get a proper diagnosis as to what I am struggling with because with the amount of pain I am in, this doesn’t seem like interstitial cystitis. Hopefully it’s nothing too serious either but at least something that is fixable. Because IC is only treatable. And that shit sucked but if I can stay out of the hospital for flank and kidney problems, I would be a very happy girl.

Anyways back to mental health. I had a manic episode two or three days ago and afterwards I ended up at Diego’s for a day, missing my mental health meds for one AM round and two PM rounds. I felt fine for the most part and then I had Diego drive me home so I could pick up my meds and some clothes and stuff because all I had was my phone, vape, and the clothes on my back. I just didn’t want to be or couldn’t be alone and if I was at home I knew I would self isolate. So at Diego’s I did that too but occasionally I would get up to take Poncho out or to feed him or give him some ice cubes to crunch on.

I feel better at the moment. I am kinda stressed about my geology class and not passing it because I received grants and I don’t really want to be on academic probation. I want to do well in all of my classes but it’s hard. My kidneys are starting to bother me I don’t know why though. Probably lack of water and a shit ton of energy drinks will do that. It’s finally cooling down so I should get something productive done but I’m kinda like, “Meh. If I die, I die!” Which is a terrible ideology to have but it’s one I think of and use quite often. I am only low key suicidal, not enough to have or make a plan, not nearly enough to execute my SI (suicidal ideation) but it’s just… present. Straight chilling out.

I am gonna go look at stuff on the internet now.

Goodbye, friends! SO long… fair well….

Much love,

Dani