I finished my quarter of school Sunday morning and I have had the past two days off of work. I’m in the midst of figuring out what I want and what I am doing with myself. I don’t think I will be moving in with Diego come September and not for the reasons you might think….
For those of you who don’t know, Diego is my ex-fiance whom I am still very close with as friends. I suggested earlier this month that I could move back in with him to help take care of our dog, Poncho and help with bills and utilities as he is going to Mexico soon and wants to save for that. He currently is not talking to me because I said I put a deposit down on a 4Runner and he kept calling me stupid and bad with my money and how I am irresponsible. If someone is going to be condescending toward me, it’s gonna be me, not anyone else. If he has an issue with how I spend my money, that’s a huge problem for me. I may not be making the best decision by buying this truck, but I want to do it and it’s not like I owe him any money or was spending my rent check on this car instead of rent to him.
I think it brings up old fears where back in August of 2020, I did gamble away my rent to him and luckily he didn’t rely on my income to pay his mortgage but he ended up kicking me out and that was bad. If it weren’t for my parents back then, I would have been homeless.
So why am I buying this car when I have a perfectly good car? I drive a Kia and I honestly don’t know why I got it in the first place considering I don’t think they are reliable vehicles. I have already gotten into one minor accident in it and although the damage got repaired, I don’t feel safe driving it. It’s a small SUV and it’s got a lot of miles for the year it is. Anyways I have always loved Toyota so I put a deposit down on a Toyota 4Runner with leather, heated seats, sun roof, back up camera, and low miles for the year. I feel safer driving that because it’s bigger and got more room for activities. I am honestly stoked for it because my payments are relatively the same and now that I am not moving out, I have the extra money for insurance and making higher payments on the truck anyways to pay it off faster.
So after my argument with Diego, it kinda rubbed me the wrong way and I don’t really want to move into another toxic situation. Granted staying at home with my parents isn’t the best situation either, but I pay little to no rent, I only help out with groceries. I can’t have any people over but it’s not like I hang out with many people anyways and now I have the money and time to go out now that I am on break from college.
Speaking of college, I haven’t gotten grades back yet. I know I failed geology. I passed sociology with flying colors. And intro to drugs and alcohol is on the fence because I was just on the cusp of a 2.0 last time I checked so fingers crossed I passed that class because God knows I need to pass. But anyways I got some classes starting 09/19/2022 which will be good considering the quarter is 3 weeks longer so there is more of a chance of me passing because it’s the same amount of work over 10 weeks instead of 7.
But just think: without all of these adversities I have faced, I wouldn’t be here. I am sober from gambling for a week or two, I forget which day I last played. I have made a lot of progress and remember folks, progress isn’t linear. It’s up and down and all around. As long as you get back on track or figure out the right path for you, you’re doing a-okay.
I used to hold a lot of bitterness toward my parents for forcing me to grow up too fast. I took care of my mother in the darkest depths of her addiction and mental health crisis and that changes a person; being their everything all the time, watching someone die before your eyes because of a disease you cannot cure. I held resentment toward my mom for being sick. However, I learned now that not only am I a stronger person because of those adversities, but I have gained the skill of empathy. My mom was not malicious in intent or for being sick; it’s not like she wanted to be addicted to substances or have schizophrenia. But I no longer hold that she took my childhood away from me because we are all people. Parents aren’t or shouldn’t be put on a pedestal because they aren’t perfect; none of us are. So that’s why I no longer hold that resentment and I am better off for it. It has allowed me to have a great friendship with my mom and we talk daily and hang out which is something I never thought could be a reality but sobriety and medication are both beautiful things.
I will never regret not marrying Diego. Some people call me crazy because he’s a hell of a guy, but something in my heart tells me no and I am gonna listen to that. I think the best is yet to come as far as relationships go and I remain hopeful despite the desolate land of Tinder has to offer.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You are worthy. You are loved. You are kind. You are important! Don’t forget it.
I wish I would add to this post but my hypo manic self is kicking in and I am going to do laundry and clean and maybe make some popcorn.
Until next time,