I feel better than I deserve

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Today has been another exceptional day. I originally was interviewing for a technician position at the psych clinic. I had applied to a supervisor position there as well, but they originally had me interviewing for the tech position because HR or whomever must have thought that my skills and experience wasn’t yet at the supervisor level… yet.

However, I got there and I was talking with the receptionist who remembered me when I used to work there almost three years prior. The director of inpatient programs overheard our conversation and the first thing she asked is if I used to work here, why I left. I was honest and said I burned out pretty fast working graveyard shift without the correct supervision.

She decided to use the interview questions for the supervisor interview questions rather than the tech, but stated I would be interviewed for both positions.

At the end of the interview, I had asked when I would hear back about the position either way and she basically said no one was interviewing for the tech position so that was mine if I wanted it, but there was one other person who was being interviewed Friday for the supervisor position and that HR would call me on Monday with a decision on which position I would be offered. I thanked the two ladies for their time and went home.

I was elated with this news because even if I got the tech position, the pay range is $18-21/hr which I can negotiate up from that lower number. However, the supervisor position pay range is $23-27/hr, which I would be on the lower end of that, but it would still be very well worth my while.

I decided with Diego that I would take whatever psych clinic position I can get and will thank the tech company for their time, but I will be accepting another job. I kinda feel bad that I took the interview since I feel as though I wasted their time, but I had no idea how today was going to go and it’s a better opportunity in my wheelhouse.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I have been feeling. I feel almost guilty for feeling normal. I was severely depressed for several years and the fact that I feel better, or even good in nearly every capacity, makes me feel like I shouldn’t feel this way; that I have no right to be happy.

I know that is my just slander from my bipolar head and a bunch of anxiety to go along with it. I know I deserve to be happy and that these good things happening to me I have worked diligently for and have worked hard to get where I am at. But at the end of the day, I know so many more people are struggling with their mental health or even physical health and I can’t say I’m really in the same boat as them anymore.

I guess I feel like my identity as a mental health advocate is being ruined by the fact that many people now cannot identify with my lack of struggles. I mean, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and I feel like when my depression hits, it’s gonna hit hard. However, I feel not very genuine posting to my blog, not because I’m hiding anything or withholding the truth, but because I am not really struggling with my mental health.

I won’t let this get to me, because I know there are people who read my blog not so much for the mental health aspect, but for my personal life. Let me tell you, I am as real as it gets when It comes to blogging about myself honestly and bluntly. But I then remember this is a mental health blog so I primarily want to write how my mental health affects my life, not the other way around.

With that being said, what are things I should be working on or towards in regard to my mental health while I’m on this never ending upswing?

Much love,

Dani

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