One Year Ago

Photo by Junior Teixeira on Pexels.com

Today, for whatever reason, I checked the billing cycle for my blog and noticed I have owned this domain name, precariousaquarius.com for one year now as of January 11th. Wow does time fly…

I believe I made my first blog post on February 10th and it’s been every which way from there, as you all have seen for yourselves. There are aspects of the way that I used to blog that I miss and certainly traits of my older posts that I reread and cringe at. I suppose I cringe at my growth that is very visible to anyone who wants to read about me.

I used to be very adamant about free writing… granted, those “free writes” often turned into rants, but I feel as though the vulnerability was real and it was all honest about how I felt and thought of things at the time of writing those posts nearly a year ago. I like having a blog because it is much harder to permanently erase my posts versus blacking out pages of a diary; this way, through my blog, there is evidence that life has happened and I have conquered through these adversities no one thought I could overcome.

Today will be a free write of nothing in particular and we shall see how it goes!

I bought the iPad Air 4th gen today via Apple, along with the 2nd gen Apple Pencil and a salmon pink case to go with it. To say I’m thrilled would be an understatement. I sold my Microsoft Surface to support my gambling addiction. Wait… I sold it after I stopped gambling, but was still trying to get some money to get a laptop rather than a tablet so I could continue my education. Anyways. I sold my Surface, which I drew a lot of cool pictures on and I missed doing that, so I bought an iPad.

Some might say it would have been cheaper to just get another Surface tablet than to get the iPad Air and yes, you’re right. But now that I am a MacBook Pro user, I wanted my new tablet to be cohesive with my laptop and Apple does just that. I have been back and forth with Apple for a long time, but eventually decided on Android. I love my Samsung Galaxy S20+, but there is no such thing as a cohesive ecosystem for all Android products, so maybe after I pay off this phone, I will become yet another iPhone user so that I have every bit of technology on me to be Apple related.

I am honestly excited to have a tablet just for fun whereas my MacBook can be designated for work and school, respectively. I think I have the mindset of “treat yourself” all too often, but then again my 23rd birthday is in a month and if this is all I get or do, that is fine by me. I tend to buy myself one big ticket item the month before my birthday and I *usually* don’t buy anything else besides clothes and other necessities for the rest of the year. Trust me, I hate my birthday due to past trauma and drama, so I try to make it a little brighter. There’s not much a little online shopping can’t fix šŸ˜‰

In other news, I am still waiting to hear back if my client’s mother has COVID-19 or not, so upper management had me do a Telehealth training tonight in order to do online sessions with clients if the parents’ elect for me to not come into their home until I am cleared. I won’t know til tomorrow morning if and when I can go to work, or if the clients’ will cancel altogether. As much as an extended weekend would be great, I need the dinero. Plus, if I am home, that means I got to cook, clean, and do a bunch of homework, so it’s not much for a day off. Not to mention not getting paid.

I am not worried that I have COVID nor do I think my client’s mother has it, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, I suppose.

In other news, I have a 100% in my English class and at the very least, a 95% in my math class, which both compute to a 4.0 GPA, respectively. Hoping to keep the stride going this quarter! I think I will, not to mention having some serious mental breakdowns because of school, but hey. That’s college!

Right?

…right?

Things are going good between Diego and I. Like extremely well. Part of me doesn’t want to move in the rest of my things in order not to “jinx” things going haywire, but at the same time, I need my stuff. Well I suppose I have gone this long without boxes of belongings, I probably don’t need it…

A lot of what I am missing is completed paintings, empty canvases, and a whole bunch of virtually brand new art supplies. A collection I have spent hundreds of hours and dollars on. But I have this feeling that once I settle in here with all my belongings, I will have to pick right up and leave again. Obviously I don’t want this to happen, nor do I intend this to happen… maybe I am a bit superstitious.

I am finally doing well for myself for once in my life, not something I could have said a year ago. I have steady employment, I am paying all my bills on time, I have a good man at my side, I live on my own with Diego, I am well medicated, and although I am not in therapy right now, I say I am doing the best I ever have in a long, long time. That has to count for something.

In all this, I feel like I am trying to prove myself to someone, anyone. I don’t know why. I guess this is my inner dialogue trying to prove to myself that I am worthy.. worth all this work and effort of keeping myself above ground, above the waves of the sea.

If you don’t know the meaning of this blog post, to be quite frank, I don’t either. I am just saying whatever comes to mind and typing it. Whether it makes sense or not is irrelevant.

I’ll leave on this note, in fear that I will become too introspective. In fear of being a burden. In fear of just being vulnerable.

Oh no! Depressed Dani is among us, so let me go cry and get my shit back together.

Until next time,

Dani

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