Going from feeling like I am on the top of the world to nothing in a simple matter of moments. That is what I felt on Wednesday, April 1st. I was doing my job that was asked of me and I had YouTube on in the background as I worked. My boss walked in on me and claimed I wasn’t doing my job because I had my phone open, as I was writing down information for the project I was doing. I said it was no different than the other girls listening to podcasts or music while they worked; I wasn’t staring at my phone while it was playing, I was just listening to it. She sent me home and said we would talk in the morning and either cut my hours or “other actions”.
The second she left and I heard the door click, I started sobbing. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I had accomplished the same amount of work as the other two had in the same amount of time. I felt like I was being attacked or set up by someone who didn’t like me there. So when I composed myself, I walked into my office where another girl sat and worked, and I grabbed my things and threw my keys on the desk. The girl asked what I was doing and so I said that I was talked to and was sent home for the day. I told her if I wasn’t there in the morning, I wasn’t coming back ever again; I said that as I threw my key down to my empty locker. She didn’t say much as I talked through my tears, but she said, “Don’t do anything rash.” I thought about that as I walked out.
As I cried on my way home, I took some Xanax to calm myself down otherwise I would have ended up in the hospital for either harming myself or others as a result of me crying so hard and not being able to focus on my driving. I thought about pulling over, but it would result in me crying even harder. When I walked in the front door, my mother asked what happened and thought that I did get fired. I told her as she tried to comfort me, and I told her to stay away. I apologized for being so harsh, but I didn’t want to talk. I went up in my room and thought that I might never be able to have a real job as a result of my bipolar disorder.
Although, I am not a bad employee or worker, I think my bipolar disorder hinders my performance. I can’t concentrate for long periods of time or even short periods of time, I can’t focus on tasks at hand unless they interest me in some fashion. I have become very paranoid in recent months, something I have just now began to accept. Not paranoid in the sense that I hear voices or see things; paranoid as in I feel as though someone is out to get me, people I know, not just random strangers. Part of me wonders if I am turning into a schizophrenic like my mother. Nothing freaks me out more than turning out like my mother. I feel comfortable with my bipolar diagnosis. I don’t want to be anything else; I just want to be… me.
I applied for disability yesterday evening for my bipolar disorder and my bladder disease, which is debilitating in its own right. So we shall see what they say. Today I didn’t go into work and I don’t intend on going back and I’m not quite sure what I want to do. Where or if I can go back to work, I am not sure. I am so lost and feel everything and nothing at once.
Til next time,